Time for me to complain...

I cant even begin to describe the disappointment I'm feeling right now. You know when you're so excited for something only to find that it's not happening? That kind of let down, like having to cancel your pool party due to a hurricane.

Weeks ago, I had an interview scheduled for a Field Merchandising Coordinator position with Radley London. After it being cancelled due to Snowmageddon 2010 and scheduled 2 weeks later, I have just been informed that my interview (tomorrow) has been cancelled again. No, not weather related, put simply, the position has been put "on hold".

I think the fact that I'm not going to get the chance to interview for this job is worse than going to the interview and not getting the position. At least I would known that the job wasn't a good fit and I could move on to something else. But I had very high hopes for this job. "My perfect job". And now I can't have it.

So, it's back to the drawing board for me. For now, I'll continue to temp and apply for jobs as I have been for the past 18 months.

I just wish at some point something would come through for me. I've paid my dues, I've been patient. It's time for something to come my way.

Tales of a Temp

Last year, I didn't update for the entire month of February.

To me, February was always the armpit of the year - I always said that the reason that February is the shortest month is because it's the worst, (Note: last February was the last time I spoke to "He Who Does Not Deserve to be Named" and had my highly embarrassing experience with "The Weeping Willow") but this year, it hasn't been bad. (That might be due to a certain boy - but more on that later)

3 weeks ago, I was planning to move back to North Carolina. I was sitting on my couch, sweating over a post-panic attack and trying to figure out through tears how I could get all of my stuff home by February 28th. It was an awful feeling, a sinking despair knowing that I had failed.

2 hours later, I received a phone call from a woman asking me if I could begin working temporarily the following Monday.

I did a two-week temporary position at the Interactive Advertising Bureau verifying phone numbers for their membership files. I called 3,900 people in 10 days. Luckily, I was able to move seamlessly into another temporary position at a company called Solid State Logic. It's a company that supplies equipment for sound studios. I'm essentially the "receptionist" (except no one comes to this floor) and the "mail girl".

It's not the most glamorous position, but the people are nice enough and I'm at least getting paid. But, doing these temporary jobs, where you're the "disposable" one, is getting really tiresome. When you really think about it, I've been a temp since I graduated from college. With the exception of a 3 month stint in a full-position. So frustrating. I guess the worst part of is the worthless feeling that comes with it - like I can't get a better position - the "not good enough for anything besides "temp". While others I know are able to get hired, one job after another, I'm struggling to stay afloat working at 12-15 dollars an hour. What is it about me that is so undesirable?

I do have a second-round interview set up for the coming Tuesday. It's in sales (again) and could definitely be promising. But, if I'm being honest, I'm afraid to get back into sales. My experience last time was so awful and I'm afraid that if the job is offered to me, I will take it and be unhappy. At what point do you have to say "a job is a job" and take whatever is offered to you? And what is the real cost of doing that?

There's another job that I want very badly - I spoke with them on Monday and I'm waiting to hear back to confirm an interview. The position is a Field Merchandising Coordinator for a handbag company. It would require a lot of travel, but it would be something I'm sure I would love doing and a company I would love working for. I'm trying very hard to not get too worked up over this position because of the inevitable disappointment that will follow if it doesn't come through. But, it seems to be happening anyway. I'm getting antsy and I can't help it.

Of course, this is making it difficult to focus on my upcoming interview for the sales position.

Things seem to be picking up for me (at least, I hope they are), I'm really starting to see some traction from the jobs that I've applied for and I can continue to work temporarily until something does come through. I just hope it happens soon enough.

I'm tired of being pushed completely out to the edge before something finally pulls me back. But I guess that's just how my life is.

Tick Tock

I'm terrified.

Sure, on the outside, I appear to have it all together, but inside, I'm crumbling. I'm in my second week back in New York and I still don't have a job. Not even something temporary. It's getting dire, really. I can't afford to stay here much longer.

I don't want to leave... I want to be here. For the first time, I feel like I'm starting to come into my own here, I'm feeling a comfort in the city, and each passing day, it's slipping further away.

My mind is spinning and my heart is aching - I don't know what else to do.

Back in NYC

I'm back in New York. After over two weeks of "vacation" in North Carolina and Florida, I'm back in my "home" (at least, the home I have tried to create for myself in the city)

I spent every ounce of those two weeks surrounded. Family, friends, pets. By the time the second week rolled around, I was begging for time alone; sneaking off to be with my thoughts as often as I could. Ironic, isn't it? How I wish so often to be back in North Carolina immersed in an atmosphere of friendly banter, games, and time with the people I love most; and when I get the opportunity, I crave solitude. I guess I will eventually have to find a happy medium, but I have noticed that as I have grown, I have needed more time alone.

I'm sitting here tonight, curtains open, lounging in my chair with only the lights of New York and the computer screen glaring back at me. I'm hoping to see just a little bit of snow fall before I go to sleep. The sky is a rosy pink, a perfect preamble to the inevitable snowfall. From here, I can see snippets of other's lives in the city. Windows flicker with lights of a television, curtains are drawn for a day finished, office lights burn while sleepy employees continue to work. It's like each tiny window has a story. That's one of the things that makes New York City so exceptional. 9 million of us are squished into 30 square miles of space. We're literally "right on top of each other". Yet, each of us is able to make our own life. To be different in our own ways. Refreshing, isn't it?

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what my 2010 resolutions should be. Of course, I think it is important to keep my 2009 resolutions, because they are vital in maintaining a healthy life mentally and emotionally. But so far, I have been unable to come up with anything that I really want to work on. Of course, I need a job. (ANY job at this point) But, resoluting to have gainful employment seems silly. Shouldn't I always strive for that? Still, I'm going to run out of money before too long - employment is on the top of my list right now.

So, I have no resolutions at the moment. If I come up with something in the coming days, I'll keep you posted. But, for now, I think it's okay to continue the path I have set for myself and focus not on changing so much, but staying the same. Maybe I'm exactly where I am meant to be.

Fury and Irony

I was laid off.

Tuesday afternoon, I was 'let go' from my job. I can't even begin to explain the amount of anger and embarrassment I am feeling right now. Especially because the reason I was given for my dismissal was complete and utter fiction.

I know most of you, dear readers, don't know the details of my job, but I'm angry and need to get this out. I was told that my dismissal had everything to do with "performance and lateness".

Let's break it down. Performance: In the world of sales, I understand that numbers are a big determining factor in job performance. Now, I would be perfectly understanding if I had been slacking in my sales figures, but that wasn't the case. I was the top booker in my training class and had booked more than another person on my team (who, strangely, still has his job).

Second, Lateness: We were all told on day 1 of training that lateness would not be acceptable in this profession. While I have had issues in the past with being late (I don't doubt that) I had only been late ONE time to this job. The one time, happened to be on the day I was let go. But, I followed proper protocol, letting my manager know well in advance that I would be a few minutes late. Siting lateness as a reason for my dismissal is bullshit.

While I'm feeling lost and alone, I am mostly hurt and offended by those who I respected. I have lost respect for my manager - after he sat there and lied to me. It's unprofessional and unacceptable. I was let go because I had information about past publications that could have jeopardized the credibility of BTQ. I knew too much.

Will I do anything with the information? I haven't decided yet. But I am furious right now. I am hurt because I wasn't respected enough to be told the truth. I was discarded like a filthy piece of trash and it's not okay.

___________________________________________

While I feel like my life is in pieces (again), something ironic did happen today. Last week, I made my first truly selfish purchase. I had saved some of my commission money and decided to buy myself a piece of jewelry. But, the events of this week made me forget all about it. So, today, when a tiny box appeared on my doorstep from San Francisco, I was truly excited. I didn't realize how appropriate this piece of jewelry would be, but it's perfect.

A ring. A small ring, with a tiny gold wire band and a brushed silver oval top. Sounds simple, but what makes this ring truly wonderful are the tiny words etched on the top.

the journey is the reward

I will now have a daily reminder to not worry about what will happen in the future. But to constantly live in the present. The journey, not the destination, is the reward.

The photo (from the jeweler's website) doesn't do the ring justice. It's really small and dainty, the words almost hardly visible - certainly not something that could be seen from far away.

Funny how things happen, huh?

If you'd like to look at some of Jeanine Payer's jewelry (I love every piece!) visit her website HERE

An all-inclusive update

So, I'm sitting here, eating incredibly spicy Thai food that was given to me in a magical way only New York City could provide. I browse the menus online, pick what I want, then 20 minutes later, a man who has only been taught how to say "Delivery" and "Thank you" in English brings my yellow curried goodness up two floors and hands it to me at my door. Ah, New York, you are a genius.

I know it has been an unusually long time since I've updated here (even for me!) but I just got into that rut where so much had happened that updating this blog seemed to be such a daunting task, and I completely avoided it. Typical, VA. So typical.

Anyway, to completely turn my past month into a very short section, I left my job at Ogilvy, got a new job in ad sales, my father started his chemotherapy treatment, and my grandfather decided not to go through any more treatment.

Let's start with the first one, shall we? Dear old Ogilvy and I have parted ways. Don't get me wrong, I love and respect Ogilvy as an agency and I am certainly grateful for the experience I gained while working there, but I just couldn't take working with those two women anymore. Never in my life have I interacted with such vile beings. (and I've worked with a lot of nasty people) Though, in this situation, a miracle of sorts happened. I got fed-up enough to leave... which, you probably know that if it was bad enough for ME to quit, then it was pretty bad. On that exact same day, I got a job offer from another company. Unbelievable.

Leaving was actually easier than I thought it would be. In fact, it was actually a little offensive. After talking with HR, I respectfully called both of my bosses into a conference room and told them that I was officially notifying them of my resignation. To which they replied "Okay" It was a let down, of course, to know that I was not valued by them, but I would be lying if I said I expected more from them. Oh well.

So, the new job - I am now working for a publication called Business Trends Quarterly and my job is essentially ad sales. Though, the make-up of this publication is quite different than other magazines. Not only is it my responsibility to make sure the ad space is covered, I am also responsible for making sure proper editorial content is provided by analysts, key players in the business field, or governmental officials. I will admit that it has caused me quite a bit of stress over the past few weeks since I am having to learn everything about working in sales. But, I think that in time, I will get the hang of it and I hope to be very successful in this endeavor.

Next, we go to the family section. My dad started his chemotherapy treatments two weeks ago. I'm not sure if I actually updated anything about him since the initial diagnosis, but he was mis-staged at the beginning and was told later that the cancer was at a much more progressed state. So, he has started a very aggressive chemo treatment that will last 6 months. The treatment spans over 3 days, every 3 weeks. Though he says that he is doing fine, I don't really buy into the story. I know he's doing the "Dad" thing where he tells me that he's doing great when he's really having to deal with a lot. Sometimes I just want to shake him and make him know that it's okay for him to not be a "superhero" all the time. It's okay to be sick, it's okay to be scared, and it's okay to have weak moments in front of your children. But, I guess I can't really understand since I have no children of my own. What I do understand is this: He is embarking on a very difficult journey and I will be with him (in spirit, mostly) every step of the way.

So, I started to write something about my grandfather, but I just couldn't handle it. I'll try to get something out there soon. Sorry.

D-Day

So, yesterday, 7/7/09 was my D-Day. No, not the invasion of Normandy (That was June 6th) - but Decision Day. It was the day I had selected months ago for the deadline to make a decision about what I wanted to do next year. And I have decided.

I want to stay in New York City.

It feels a lot better now that I have decided what I want to do. But, the decision is not the hardest part. The big question now is this: HOW am I going to stay in New York City? And that, my friends, is a very difficult question.

I think I ultimately made the decision to stay here a few weeks ago, and when I happily shared the news with my mother this weekend (who was visiting with my sister), she didn't exactly have the best reaction.

Essentially, she gave my "reality" a swift kick in the balls. (We're going to pretend that "reality" is a man. After all, "reality" is kind of a jerk) "That's great," she responded, "can you afford to do that?" What? Where's my "You go girl!"?? My silver-lining? Geez, mom!

While her question was completely legit, and very "mom-like", it threw me into a tail-spin. Suddenly, everything was clearer to me. I'm not in a permanent job, I'm not making nearly enough money to get an apartment, not to mention that I owe my roommate a ba-jillion dollars for my CURRENT apartment! Why in the hell do I think that this is something that can seriously be done?

I was consumed with my own thoughts for most of the past 2-3 days, still taking my mom and sister around the city, trying so hard to get them to like it as much as I've started to. We were almost to Union Square on Sunday afternoon when I stopped. Above me, there were 5 jets flying in a perfect line across the sky. "A little late for 4th of July," I mused. But, I quickly noticed that they weren't just doing a fly-over, no, this line of jets was etching something into the sky. "SKY WRITING!" my sister noticed. "Whoever CUNNING.COM is must have a lot of money to burn," my mom commented.

Though it didn't really phase me for most of the day (a day spent in Central Park and 5th Avenue), I still had a nagging feeling about it when I got home. "What is cunning.com?" I typed it directly into Google (my best friend) and I was shocked to find that Cunning is an ad agency located in NYC and London, that specializes in branding and guerrilla marketing.. What? That's exactly what I want to do! How is it that 5 jets write the name of an ad agency that I would love to work for in the sky at the exact time I was walking to the park? 10 minutes later, I would have been in the subway, completely oblivious to the cloudy message. A sign from God. "It has to be!" I thought. So, I immediately started drafting an email saying that I saw their message in the sky, loved their devotion to branding and told them that I would love to hear about any employment opportunities that may be available. Attach resume. Send.

I was so excited the next day. This was all going to work out so well! What a story I would have to tell - "What a cool business card! How did you find your amazing job?" people would ask me. "It was written in the sky," is all I'd say. Man, this was going to be great! My elation was soon halted when I got back home Monday night to find an email from Cunning saying "We're all staffed up, but we'll keep you on file!" Well, damn. There went my awesome story, my hopes, my dreams. After that, I began wondering - was my "sign from God" just a stupid coincidence? I am trying so hard to keep faith and know that I will ultimately be put where I'm "supposed" to be. But, am I misreading the signs?

_____________________________________________

Yesterday, I experienced a panic-attack inducing moment when I went to get some money out of the ATM so I could wash the sheets and towels that were used over the weekend by my visiting family. A twenty dollar bill popped out of the machine along with a receipt showing me the balance of my account.

Available Balance: $0.00

Oh.My.GOD. ZERO DOLLARS? How is that even possible? I know I was low because my rent check was just cashed, but ZERO!? How could I have been that irresponsible this month?? Then, my mother's words stung me again. I'm not going to be able to stay here. I can't afford to stay here. So what do I do? I'm desperately needing more money from a job (any job) but taking a second job isn't really an option here either. So what do I do???

My mind has been working overtime - almost making it impossible to do anything at all (except get a headache) What if these are my signs? What if the signs that I've been searching for, the ones that were going to tell me that everything will eventually get better, are really the things that are making it so hard for me. Could I be misunderstanding what is being shown? Am I being continually tested? Are the frequent obstacles really telling me not to live here because it's not supposed to be what is for me? Or am I just really over-thinking this?

Resolution check:

Since it is now July (where the hell is 2009 going??) it's time to check in with the New Year's Resolutions - let's see how I'm doing.

For reference, these resolutions were posted back in January.

Resolution number 1: Family - keep in contact and make sure they all know how much they mean to me.
I'd like to think that I've done pretty well with this resolution. I make sure to speak to my parents almost every other day (if not every day) and call or email a grandparent, aunt, uncle, or cousin once a week. Of course, with Facebook and Myspace, it has become easier to keep tabs on my cousins and to be involved in their lives. Success.

Resolution number 2: Independence - "I need to understand that independence doesn't come just from moving to a new place or getting your first job - that it's a process and a journey and it's okay to ask for help or receive help without asking for it. There's nothing wrong with getting a little help."
While I still have problems asking people for help, I think I definitely have become more independent in the past few months (or at least I've gotten a better idea of what that means). Verdict: getting there.

Resolution number 3: Friends - Foster relationships with the people that mean the most to me. Make sure I stay up to date and continue to be involved in their lives.
I could not do this without G-chat. Thank you, Google, for your wonderful invention. Not only am I able to stay in the loop on what is going on, but I would go crazy if I didn't have Anna to talk to all day long! Now, if I could just get more of my friends to start blogging..... hmm... Status: Check!

Resolution number 4: Make new friends in the city.
While I haven't found life-long friends yet, I definitely have met new people and have hung out with other people more than once. Also, I've become more comfortable with interacting with strangers - I've found that there are a lot of people in this city that are just looking for companionship like me. Still, I'm not very good at the initial interaction. Verdict: iffy.

Resolution number 5: Start dating.
Well, I've definitely started doing that! You can read more about that soon. Verdict: mmm hmm... :)

Resolution number 6: Professional - "..find a new job that allows me to experience the industry for which I spent years studying. Also, to increase my salary in order to save a bit of money (or at least to be able to buy legitimate groceries) and to get some sort of health insurance."
Well, this is my worst category. I'm still in the same job, still can't get sick, and still skimp on groceries. But, it's a work in progress, I guess. Hm... fail.

Resolution number 7: Be more selfish.
This is a hard one to gauge. While I have made a conscious effort to not do everything for everyone (yes, I'm learning how to say "no"), I still have that twinge of guilt that comes when I've been a little snotty to someone. A few months ago, Good Morning America featured a new author - she wrote a book about "Self Love" and one of her beginning steps was "Make one person mad each day." I know that sounds mean, but it actually makes sense. Knowing that you can't please everybody all the time and starting to change everyone's perception of what you're willing to do really helps. Hopefully, I can start to change the "pushover" image. Status: in progress.

Virginia: 4 , Resolutions: 3 (win!)

Well, overall, I think I've done pretty well in keeping with my resolutions. Of course, there is still a ton of work to be done, but I think it always helps to check back in and remind yourself of what you resoluted to back when you were feeling all nostalgic about years past. It probably helps that I actually made realistic resolutions this year. I guess I've just finally come to the realization that there will never be a time when my thighs do not touch.

So how are you doing with your resolutions? Do share!