Oh, you thought I was done?

hahaha nope! I'm in full swing marathon fever. (This better keep up, because I'm going to need this adrenaline this year!)

This was always my favoite image during the NYC marathon. I would sit in front of the TV and watch the beginning each year just to catch this shot of the runners starting out over the Verrazano Bridge from Staten Island.

Amazing!

Also, my knee is seriously hurting today. I think it is sympathy pains from watching the marathoners yesterday.

You are amazing!

I screamed and clapped and called out every name I could spot. It is my hope that someday, some stranger will do the same to me.

I spent most of the day at that same 24 mile banner cheering on the runners as they came around the bend. "How much longer until 24?" some of them called out. "Just around the bend!" we would yell back - the finish was so close they could taste it.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about whether or not I am the type to run a marathon. Today, I realized that there is no type of person that runs a marathon. Today's marathoners were tall, short, skinny, fat, young, and old. There were people of all different nationalities, people that had traveled far from home and people who walked to the start from their homes. Anyone CAN be a marathoner, but not everyone IS a marathoner. I think that is what inspires me most.

Marathon Training: Day 1

Did I tell you I'm running a marathon? No? Oh, well, add me to the list of stupid idiots that think running 26.2 miles in one morning is a good decision.

So, I'm running a marathon sometime in 2012. Now that we've got that out of the way, let's talk about day one.

The New York City ING Marathon will begin tomorrow morning. The city is in a full marathon mode, barricades are set up, the path is properly labeled with banners and flags, signs are in store windows, congratulating tomorrow's runners. So what better time to start the training for MY marathon than today? The ultimate goal is to run the NYC marathon in exactly one year. (Note: it can be really difficult to get in to run the NYC marathon, which is a crazy idea if you think about it - it is HARD to gain access to run 26.2 miles. So Philly or DC may have to take NYC's place if I can't get in.)

This morning, Craig and I went to Central Park to run around the Jackie O. Reservoir.  The 1.6 mile loop would be a perfect start to our running "careers". We would go around twice, just over 3 miles. I take a spin class several times a week, do weekly cardio classes, yoga, swim, pilates, certainly running 3 miles wouldn't be a bad place to start. We walked over, arms crossed against the chilly wind, excited to begin this journey. At the reservoir, we noticed the marathon flags. "They'll run down this road tomorrow," Craig said, and I thought about how I might run down that road in one year. I was excited.

We started running at a steady pace together and I was feeling good. The leaves were beautiful in the park and the water glistened in the sunlight. And then it hit me: a cramp. Already! We stopped and walked for a bit, the cramp subsided and so we picked it back up again. I was surprised that running didn't hurt my knees or my hips, and I didn't even feel a burn in my muscles! At the mile point, my hand found my abdomen again as the cramp swelled back up. Suddenly, the other side cramped up as well. Breathing in started to feel like knives being jammed into my ribcage and I slowed to a walk again. Craig ran ahead and I walked with my hands rubbing the knots in my stomach. At one point, a man walking with his new-to-two-legs child passed me. I caught up with Craig and he could see it on my face. "What's wrong?" he said. "I can't do this," I lamented back, "Why can't I do this?"

And there it happened. I cried. I cried with over half a mile to go before I got back to the starting point. The point where I intended to start a second lap. I cried from the pain of the cramps and the headache I started to feel. I cried for the second lap I knew I could never complete. I cried from the disappointment I felt in myself. Craig walked with me a bit and eventually the cramping subsided, along with the tears. At the bend in the path, I decided that I would push myself, push past the pain and the disappointment and complete the last half a mile to the starting point.  So we did. We ran together through the last bit of the reservoir loop.

At the end of the loop, we made our way out of the park. Crossing the street, the 24 Mile banner hung over the road. 2.6 miles past that point was the NYC Marathon finish line. And I couldn't even make it 1.6 miles around the reservoir.

Let's just say, there is work to be done.

"Don't let the..."

Just me and Penny, battling the night together

In the morning, Penny wakes up around 5:00am. She's usually in an extremely frisky mood and snuggles, swats, and scratches me awake every 25 minutes until I decide to exit the bed around 7:30am. Two weeks ago, it was a morning just like all of the others since she came into my life. She was playing with strands of my hair, I rolled over, facing her and saw her resting on the other pillow. It was barely light outside, but I could see her, ready to pounce. I reached my hand over to pat her head, letting her know that I was indeed awake. As I reached over, I saw a blur of movement right in front of my face. Startled, I sat up, turned on the light and looked. There it was, one of my biggest fears, a bed bug.

I snatched a tissue, grabbed the bug and quickly looked up what exactly they look like before sealing it in an airtight jar. I called my super who called an exterminator and scheduled an appointment for the next day. THE NEXT DAY! I had to keep a bed bug in a jar overnight and sleep in the very bed where it was found! (ew!) I woke up the next morning eaten to pieces, met the exterminator who confirmed that it was, in fact, a bed bug.

The extermination was scheduled for the following Tuesday and I was given a long list of things that needed to be done to prepare my apartment for extermination. Every piece of clothing had to be laundered, washed and dried on the highest temperature setting and placed in airtight plastic bags. Everything else in the apartment, inside of every drawer, cabinet, closet, had to be removed and put in bags. The mattress and box spring needed to be placed against the wall and the bed frame dismantled. All wall adornments had to be removed and bagged. And, Penny had to be out of the apartment for a full 48 hours after the extermination.

Because of some issues, the extermination was rescheduled every single day until Friday afternoon. And last night, after being back in my apartment for only two days, I found another bug crawling across the bed.

It has been a completely exhausting situation, both physically and emotionally. I don't sleep at night because the thought of blood sucking bugs crawling in my sheets makes me nauseous. I feel disgusting, like someone who should be isolated from society. My skin crawls every minute of every single day because of the paranoia. My immune system is shot because of the lack of sleep I've experienced over the past two weeks and I've been overrun with sickness. In short, I feel like I'm drowning. Every aspect of my life feels like I'm drowning. My work life, my relationship, being a pet owner, physically, emotionally, and mentally. My work life is suffering because my exhaustion and constant fear is inhibiting my ability to concentrate.

The tiny amount of relief I get is when I am able to stay with Craig in his apartment. But my paralyzing fear of accidentally transferring the parasites to his apartment causes my heart to race and I begin to panic again. Though, he has been unbelievably amazing and supportive during this time. I certainly wouldn't have made it this far without him.

I thought I had the opportunity to get my apartment and my life back together and now after finding the bug after the extermination, I know there will be no rest for several more days (maybe even weeks).

I've had bites on my arms, chest, face, feet, and legs. And, they make mosquito bites seem like nothing at all. They're fiery, burning, itchy whelps that are a constant reminder of what is beneath the sheets.

It's my hope that I will actually be able to get in touch with the exterminators tomorrow and arrange for a time to re-exterminate sometime soon. Until then, I'll continue to scratch, launder, and do everything I possibly can to make sure they are really gone... this time.

Slushy City

This water could be 1 inch deep, or 1 foot. The only way to find out is to step off the curb. Unfortunately, this is what New York City blocks look like now. Every single curb has an unsuspecting ice pool disguised as a wet street. Take the plunge!

'Tis the season to... overindulge

My diet is seriously off track. In fact, I have fallen further back in this week than I did over my Thanksgiving at home, including 3 full Thanksgiving dinners.

This week, Craig and I attended 3 Christmas parties (with one after-party) and a birthday celebration accompanied with enough fried food to make even the North Carolina State Fair weep with cardiac fear.

All of the food and drinks of the week and not a single foot in the gym, literally left us flat on our backs Saturday night, a Ginger-Ale on each night stand, sharing a bottle of Pepto Bismol.

I'm feeling slightly better this Monday afternoon, after having a single tomato for dinner Sunday night and a slice of bread with peanut butter on it for breakfast this morning. One thing I have certainly learned: I just can't eat like I used to. I think I have literally shrunk my stomach so that I simply cannot indulge like I have before. When I do, I feel sick, nauseous, and my stomach bloats, leaving me looking like I'm 5 months pregnant. (yikes!)

So, I vow to get back on it! I've still got a ways to go to meet my goal and after a month and a half, I've probably just broken even. Going to try to stay in the negatives moving forward! Hold me to it!

When people hear I live in New York City, one of the first questions I get is "Do you miss the quiet?"

Tonight, I am enjoying the quiet of this city. The soft hum of tires on a wet road, the faint breeze passing across the air conditioner, and the patches of lights illuminating my bed from apartments far away. There is quiet here. It comes from being still. Tonight, I am still. The city carries on around me but all I hear is a soft whisper of life.

I am still.

Weekend in Review

I can't believe it's Monday again already!

This weekend was a mixture of highs and lows with a little productivity thrown in. After Craig's GMAT test on Friday afternoon and subsequent family bantering, we decided to stop wallowing and go out for some dinner and drinks. We had steak sandwiches, drank beers and bellinis, laughed, and sang along poorly with hits of the 80s. One day, I bet we'll miss the days where we would just go out for dinner in a bar/lounge and "karaoke" the place without a care in the world. Since we were both a little tipsy and happy, we tried to call up some friends to join us in butchering the art of karaoke (for real). We were ready for a night out on the town! So when our few friends let us know that they were out of town or had other plans, we went back to his apartment and fell asleep at a very elderly 11:00pm.

We awoke the next morning knowing that Craig would be leaving the city and spending the night in Long Island before his very early Sunday morning flight. We helped clean his apartment (It's so refreshing to see someone as adamant about coming back to a clean home as I am!) We went for a quick brunch a few blocks up at Wicker Park. It was at brunch that something quite funny unfolded.

A handsome couple, in their late 20s walked down the sidewalk, just past our outdoor dining table. The woman, tall, slender, in a beautiful, red, backless dress. The man, dressed casually in khaki shorts and a polo. I noticed them walking towards us and turned away before they passed and just as I turned, I watched Craig's eyes follow them, right over my head and down the block.

Me: "What 'cha lookin' at there? Hmm?"

Him: "What?"

Me: "Just now..."

Him: "Oh, he had a Shake Shack bag... I was wondering what was in it.
Now, I want a cheeseburger."

Ha! Nice to know he wasn't looking at the leggy brunette like I was! Sometimes, all a man wants in life is a good cheeseburger!

We returned to the apartment, said our 'goodbye's and 'have fun's, I hugged his neck and headed back up to my apartment.

Have you ever spent an entire morning cleaning just to go home and realize your place is a mess? That is exactly what happened to me. All week, my apartment had been treated with some serious neglect so I took on the battle of getting that cleaned up too. I spent the evening lounging, reading, and watching TV.

On Sunday, I desperately needed to do laundry (it was in a serious state of overflow) including washing my down comforter. I hate washing that thing. It's so awkward to carry (along with everything else) down to the laundromat and it takes up an entire washer and dryer - no multi-tasking with that one! But, it had been so long since it had passed a lint screen, I was getting tiny tiny feathers (the ones that get too small and regular washing should remove. oops!) on everything. In fact, when cleaning my extremely dusty side table, closer inspection showed that there was no dust, but thousands of tiny feathers spread out all over the wood. Not to mention that I kept waking up looking like I had gotten in a fight with a baby goose. And, if Craig had any sort of "shadow" (5'0clock or otherwise), he'd wake up with little white specks on his face!

So, laundry day it was. After making sure his plane didn't crash into the ocean, I ventured out to the streets of NY with one full suitcase and one full laundry hamper in tow. I wore lounge pants and an I (heart) NY tshirt that would have seriously embarrassed Craig. My New Yorker man would rather die than be mistaken for a tourist!

It was kind of refreshing, actually, to not have to care about impressing a single soul - to just go out and do what I needed to do. With a post 24-hour wash pony tail and no makeup.

After many hours, I finally got everything laundered, folded, and put back away in my apartment (seriously missing the boyfriend when I had to drag a 60 pound suitcase up 2 flights of stairs with one hand!) and spent the rest of the evening just relaxing by myself.

So, hello again, Monday! You always come so soon!

Tonight, I'm planning on picking up some paint samples for my office because the yellow, orange, green 1970s playhouse motif is seriously terrible. I'll post some pictures of it when I get a chance.

Have a good week everyone!

Weekend in Review

New York finally delivered a gorgeous weekend and we took full advantage! It has been months since I've been able to walk outside without feeling the need to run back in and take a shower - in fact, I've been coming home from work most evenings, stripping down, and jumping straight into a soaking of chilly water.

So when NY1 forecasted a 75 degree morning and an 80 degree afternoon, we planned on spending most of the day outside.

A picnic in Central Park, complete with GMAT studying (and baby-watching, huh? Luckily, Craig had his earplugs in to study so he didn't hear the sound of my ovaries exploding.. hah!)



Later that night, after short naps, we took a perfectly temperatured hand-in-hand stroll around the Upper East Side, doing some night time window shopping.

On Sunday, we had a positively gay brunch with friends down in Chelsea, complete with Craig getting a few winks and waves! After, we headed over to Chelsea Piers for some bowling. Naturally, I lost - even when bowling a turkey!!

Sunday ended with Discovery Channel's Shark Week and snuggles in bed. Altogether, an amazing weekend - now if there was just one more Sunday, it would have been perfection.

How was your weekend?

Back in NYC

I'm back in New York. After over two weeks of "vacation" in North Carolina and Florida, I'm back in my "home" (at least, the home I have tried to create for myself in the city)

I spent every ounce of those two weeks surrounded. Family, friends, pets. By the time the second week rolled around, I was begging for time alone; sneaking off to be with my thoughts as often as I could. Ironic, isn't it? How I wish so often to be back in North Carolina immersed in an atmosphere of friendly banter, games, and time with the people I love most; and when I get the opportunity, I crave solitude. I guess I will eventually have to find a happy medium, but I have noticed that as I have grown, I have needed more time alone.

I'm sitting here tonight, curtains open, lounging in my chair with only the lights of New York and the computer screen glaring back at me. I'm hoping to see just a little bit of snow fall before I go to sleep. The sky is a rosy pink, a perfect preamble to the inevitable snowfall. From here, I can see snippets of other's lives in the city. Windows flicker with lights of a television, curtains are drawn for a day finished, office lights burn while sleepy employees continue to work. It's like each tiny window has a story. That's one of the things that makes New York City so exceptional. 9 million of us are squished into 30 square miles of space. We're literally "right on top of each other". Yet, each of us is able to make our own life. To be different in our own ways. Refreshing, isn't it?

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what my 2010 resolutions should be. Of course, I think it is important to keep my 2009 resolutions, because they are vital in maintaining a healthy life mentally and emotionally. But so far, I have been unable to come up with anything that I really want to work on. Of course, I need a job. (ANY job at this point) But, resoluting to have gainful employment seems silly. Shouldn't I always strive for that? Still, I'm going to run out of money before too long - employment is on the top of my list right now.

So, I have no resolutions at the moment. If I come up with something in the coming days, I'll keep you posted. But, for now, I think it's okay to continue the path I have set for myself and focus not on changing so much, but staying the same. Maybe I'm exactly where I am meant to be.

VA Review: Bumble and Bumble Salon, NYC

So, I'm starting a new section of the blog: VA Review. Here, I will review products, restaurants, other consumer places, etc. to give people (you, readers) my first-hand experience.

First up, The Uptown Manhattan Bumble and Bumble Salon.

Bumble and Bumble

146 E. 56th St.

(Bet. 3rd and Lex)

New York, NY

Confession: I hadn't had my hair cut in 18 months. So, I finally decided that the dead, splitting ends look wasn't exactly the best for me. Finding a salon in New York City is almost as difficult as finding a job. There are millions, one on every street. But, how do you know if the salon is any good? Did their stylists actually go to school? I started trying to talk to people, get some word-of-mouth recommendations, but didn't really hear anyone really rave about a particular place. So, while walking one day, I passed by a Bumble and Bumble pop-up shop and thought, "hmm. I should make an appointment with them." I figured that Bumble and Bumble products are well respected in the hair-world and after doing some research, I made myself an appointment. I found out that Bumble and Bumble employees are required to have at least 12 years of experience before coming in as a Junior Stylist. I know in NC there was no such thing as a junior or senior stylist, but that's the trend in NYC. Price lists are made based on what level the stylist is. I went with a Junior Stylist. 12 years is enough for me. :)

I have to say, I am immensely pleased with what I found at B&B. The salon is tucked into a cute NYC brownstone with windows all across the front, allowing lots of natural light to enter the lobby area. I was greeted immediately and was taken to the back, where my coat and scarf was taken and hung up. I was given a black silk robe and told to have a seat in the cafe. The cafe, a full service "restaurant", featured complimentary water, sodas, tea, coffee, lattes, and small snacks. It was stacked with magazines and books, a very friendly atmosphere.

After a hair consultation with my stylist, Katrina, I was taken to the back again to have my hair washed by a woman named Yolanda. I was surprised to find the chair reclined completely back (with your head in the sink), lifting your feet off the floor, and to my surprise, massaged my back. I had my hair washed, conditioned, my neck and shoulders massaged, all while Yolanda took extra care to protect my dress and keep my face and neck dry. Very impressed.

Back with Katrina, we talked about wanting my hair to look healthy (translation: cut off the dead) while keeping it long. For those of you who've had long hair, you know that there are essentially 3 options for "changing up" long hair. 1. Bangs, 2. Blunt-cut trim, or 3. Long layers, frame the face. Katrina and I decided that #3 would be best since I've started getting a bit of wave in my hair, the layers would allow the natural wave/curl to come out.

Overall, I was extremely pleased with the experience. There was only one thing that I didn't really like; my stylist hardly spoke to me. Granted, I'd much rather someone focus on what they're doing instead of making sure to be chatty, but a little bit of conversation would have made things a little less uncomfortable.

VA Rating: 8

The rating isn't a 9 or 10 because I was just a little bit uncomfortable while my hair was being cut/styled (maybe because she looked a little uncomfortable while I was "watching her") and because of the price. With the wash, cut, blow dry, 2 styling products, and tip, I ended up throwing down $160. While I understand NYC is a bit pricey when it comes to salons and styling, I feel that it was a little bit on the expensive side for an appointment that didn't include coloring or other professional services.

But, I am pleased with how my hair turned out. It looks healthy, has lots of body, and is incredibly soft. I can't wait to play with some new looks. Have a look-see, what do you think? It's hard to believe that I had almost 4 inches cut off the bottom!

Happy Anniversary, New York!

Yes, friends, New York and I have been together for 1 whole year. It's really unbelievable to me that an entire year has passed. But, I guess when you break it down, really think about it, a lot happened in this one year. I know it's trite to say, but I have really grown up in this year. I understand how difficult it can be to manage your own finances. I know now how important it is to take care of yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally. And I know how important it is to keep those that love you (and that you love) close to you (even when you're far away).

I spent last weekend in DC with my bestest friends and I realized that the only real reason I don't like living in New York is because I can't see them more often. It was ironic though... Sunday afternoon, I rode the bus from DC back to NYC - taking the exact same roads I had taken 1 year prior in a moving truck with my father. Seeing the New York City skyline in the distance reminded me of the mix of nervousness and excitement I had on that Saturday morning.

There were many times throughout this past year that I thought I couldn't handle New York anymore. There were times I seriously considered packing whatever I could in a suitcase and moving home. I don't know how many times I called home in tears, the pressure was just too much. But, I stuck it out and I am so happy I did. I am in a new apartment, with a new job - it almost feels like everything that was wrong with my life last year has faded away. Amazing.

I'm filled with excitement thinking about all there is to come in this next year. The fear and nervous anticipation has been replaced with optimism - there's nothing that can hit me this year that I can't get through. So, bring it on, New York! Give me all you got - I'm ready!

1929-2009

I'm sitting out on the balcony of my new apartment. Just finished dinner, and I'm enjoying the street-symphony below. Normally, people would associate honking horns, revving engines, and sirens as something obnoxious... an annoyance of life. But, tonight, I'm feeling differently about it. Even though my head is spinning with thoughts, my heart is heavy with emotions, and my body feels like quitting, the sounds of the night are a comforting reminder that the city keeps on going. Nothing stops New York. Life keeps on going, the world keeps turning. Good or bad, it goes on.

I am having to remind myself every single day (sometimes multiple times a day) that time will heal all wounds. That the pain and sadness of my grandfather's passing will lessen; that the stresses of my job will cease; that my father's cancer will remiss; that I will eventually fall asleep at night without worrying how I will afford to eat the following week...

But, I know that as life goes on, stresses fade, and new stresses arrive. It's a never-ending cycle. Just a thing we all have to accept, I guess.

I don't think I have fully accepted the fact that my grandfather is gone. Even now, I have a problem, a question, or even something exciting to tell, I want to call him. Tonight, I actually called his cell phone, it wasn't until I heard the voicemail that I remembered. The phone dropped from my hand, and I had to eventually had to pick myself up off the floor after I collapsed into a sobbing mess.

He was my rock, my mentor, and one of my best friends. Not having him here anymore is one of the most painful feelings I have ever had. My body literally hurts when I think about how I will never see him again.

Though time will eventually lessen the pain, there will never be a time in which I will not miss him.

Anything can happen here...

If you have ever paid attention to movies and tv shows that are filmed/set in New York City, you'll notice that there is a reoccurring theme - the idea that anything can happen. While I haven't exactly reached my "happy ending" there are some very strange things that have happened to me and experiences that I have pulled in that make a lot of my stories sound trite and made up. I've often been told by friends and family alike that the situations I get myself into are just "unreal".

Here's an example: On Friday afternoon, I got a G-chat message from an old college roommate (and awesome friend) saying that she was going to be in the city this weekend to celebrate a friend's birthday. Since I hadn't seen her since... I really don't remember --- graduation?? ... I was really excited to spend some time with her. I met her and her friends at a place called the "Frying Pan". It is an old boat/pier that has been turned into a really awesome outdoor space for eating and drinking. I didn't really know anybody else there, but that's kind of how it is no matter where I go, so I just casually chatted with everybody there.

"Just so you know, you're sitting next to a Calvin Klein model..." Nancy leaned in and whispered to me.
"What? Seriously?"
"Yeah, he just walked the Calvin Klein show in Milan."
"Well, hot damn."

So, I was sitting next to a guy that models in his underwear. Love it! He got up a few minutes later to get a bottle of wine to split with friends and as he came back, he stepped over a grate that was covering a port-hole on the deck. The grate gave way and he went crashing down into the rusty boat. He caught himself on a table and as he pulled his leg out of the port hole, there was a gaping wound and a large amount of blood streaming down his leg. Though he brushed it off, I couldn't deny the first-aid deliverer in me.. I had to do something (not because he looks hot in his underwear, but because it would have driven me crazy to have his bloody leg next to me and my instincts wouldn't let me let it go, of course!) So I offered up my services to at least clean the wound and bandage it the best way I could.

Picture this: we are in the hull of a rocking ship, he's sprawled out on a couch (this sounds a lot sexier than it was, I assure you) while I'm running around looking for a first aid kit, there's not one there, so I have to MacGyver a bandage out of crappy paper towels. Long story short, the bleeding stops, we all keep drinking, and I throw out a couple "I saved your leg, when you're famous, I should totes get some credit" comments :)

Yes, that would be him there in the picture.

Sometimes my life is so very boring - but then sometimes I get a really good story out of a typical Saturday outing. That's the beauty of New York City, really. Anything can happen.

D-Day

So, yesterday, 7/7/09 was my D-Day. No, not the invasion of Normandy (That was June 6th) - but Decision Day. It was the day I had selected months ago for the deadline to make a decision about what I wanted to do next year. And I have decided.

I want to stay in New York City.

It feels a lot better now that I have decided what I want to do. But, the decision is not the hardest part. The big question now is this: HOW am I going to stay in New York City? And that, my friends, is a very difficult question.

I think I ultimately made the decision to stay here a few weeks ago, and when I happily shared the news with my mother this weekend (who was visiting with my sister), she didn't exactly have the best reaction.

Essentially, she gave my "reality" a swift kick in the balls. (We're going to pretend that "reality" is a man. After all, "reality" is kind of a jerk) "That's great," she responded, "can you afford to do that?" What? Where's my "You go girl!"?? My silver-lining? Geez, mom!

While her question was completely legit, and very "mom-like", it threw me into a tail-spin. Suddenly, everything was clearer to me. I'm not in a permanent job, I'm not making nearly enough money to get an apartment, not to mention that I owe my roommate a ba-jillion dollars for my CURRENT apartment! Why in the hell do I think that this is something that can seriously be done?

I was consumed with my own thoughts for most of the past 2-3 days, still taking my mom and sister around the city, trying so hard to get them to like it as much as I've started to. We were almost to Union Square on Sunday afternoon when I stopped. Above me, there were 5 jets flying in a perfect line across the sky. "A little late for 4th of July," I mused. But, I quickly noticed that they weren't just doing a fly-over, no, this line of jets was etching something into the sky. "SKY WRITING!" my sister noticed. "Whoever CUNNING.COM is must have a lot of money to burn," my mom commented.

Though it didn't really phase me for most of the day (a day spent in Central Park and 5th Avenue), I still had a nagging feeling about it when I got home. "What is cunning.com?" I typed it directly into Google (my best friend) and I was shocked to find that Cunning is an ad agency located in NYC and London, that specializes in branding and guerrilla marketing.. What? That's exactly what I want to do! How is it that 5 jets write the name of an ad agency that I would love to work for in the sky at the exact time I was walking to the park? 10 minutes later, I would have been in the subway, completely oblivious to the cloudy message. A sign from God. "It has to be!" I thought. So, I immediately started drafting an email saying that I saw their message in the sky, loved their devotion to branding and told them that I would love to hear about any employment opportunities that may be available. Attach resume. Send.

I was so excited the next day. This was all going to work out so well! What a story I would have to tell - "What a cool business card! How did you find your amazing job?" people would ask me. "It was written in the sky," is all I'd say. Man, this was going to be great! My elation was soon halted when I got back home Monday night to find an email from Cunning saying "We're all staffed up, but we'll keep you on file!" Well, damn. There went my awesome story, my hopes, my dreams. After that, I began wondering - was my "sign from God" just a stupid coincidence? I am trying so hard to keep faith and know that I will ultimately be put where I'm "supposed" to be. But, am I misreading the signs?

_____________________________________________

Yesterday, I experienced a panic-attack inducing moment when I went to get some money out of the ATM so I could wash the sheets and towels that were used over the weekend by my visiting family. A twenty dollar bill popped out of the machine along with a receipt showing me the balance of my account.

Available Balance: $0.00

Oh.My.GOD. ZERO DOLLARS? How is that even possible? I know I was low because my rent check was just cashed, but ZERO!? How could I have been that irresponsible this month?? Then, my mother's words stung me again. I'm not going to be able to stay here. I can't afford to stay here. So what do I do? I'm desperately needing more money from a job (any job) but taking a second job isn't really an option here either. So what do I do???

My mind has been working overtime - almost making it impossible to do anything at all (except get a headache) What if these are my signs? What if the signs that I've been searching for, the ones that were going to tell me that everything will eventually get better, are really the things that are making it so hard for me. Could I be misunderstanding what is being shown? Am I being continually tested? Are the frequent obstacles really telling me not to live here because it's not supposed to be what is for me? Or am I just really over-thinking this?

Just a little bit famous

As I mentioned yesterday, I went to a fashion event on Fire Island yesterday and met some of the most fabulous bloggers on the interwebs. And, lo and behold, I'm on their site today! Check it!

It's certainly not the best photo they could have chosen... since I was half-drunk and my dress is all wonky on top. They could have picked the better one (me with the two of them-in post below) but, I guess they didn't want to post pictures of themselves on their blog. Modest little bitches. : ) Still, head over to Project Rungay to see me and all of my fabulous-ness. Mmmmmm love it!

I can't believe June is almost over...

It's happened. I am starting to love New York City. I'm realizing now that this city has so much potential to be truly amazing for me. Maybe it's because it's summer, or maybe because I've gotten past the adjustment phase of being in a new city, I'm not sure. But, I do know that I have officially decided to stay in NYC for another year. Yes, I may change my mind 10-20 times in the next few months, but I think that if I continue on the path I am, then I can do it. I can make it in this city.

I spent Sunday at Fire Island (off of Long Island) for a shopping/fashion event. Fire Island is known as a prominently gay community (okay, ALL gay community) and if I'm being honest, I kind of loved it. For once, I could go into a crowd of people who were nice, cheerful, and friendly. I didn't have to worry about what I looked like or how I was presenting myself (because no one on the island was interested in me anyway!) And who doesn't love new gay friends?? ;)

I won a ticket to the event through a blog that I read frequently (about Project Runway and general fashion). It was a wonderful opportunity to get outside of the city and see what else New York has to offer. It took two trains, a bus, and a ferry to get to the island, but in the end, I was left at a beach that was secluded and peaceful. Totally worth the journey.

Here's a photo with Tom and Lorenzo - some of my favorite bloggers. Be sure to visit their blog at http://projectrungay.blogspot.com/ (Some of the photos from their Fire Island post are ones I took!)

They were incredibly nice and a joy to meet. They made sure that I was able to get around to meet the Project Runway designers and some of the models before leaving the island. And most of you know how much I love Project Runway.... ahh... How fun!



The weekend before, Carrie and I checked out the Big Apple BBQ Block Party in Madison Square Park. Yes, NYC embraced Southern cooking, beer, and country music for two whole days! The Pit restaurant in Raleigh came and set up a booth, so of course I had to get some NC barbecue! Even though it wasn't the best I'd ever had (it was kinda cold), it was definitely a nostalgic lunch. Carrie and I then walked uptown to take Ryan some NC barbecue (because even people with demanding jobs requiring them to work on Sunday afternoons deserve NC food).

We ended up running into the Puerto Rico Day Parade. While most parades last only an hour or two, this parade lasted several very loud hours. It took us almost an hour to get through the parade to get to Ryan's building. The parade was kind of funny to witness - a bunch of people decked out in Puerto Rican garb with flags and noise makers dancing to Daddy Yankee. But the hilarity wore off quickly and the masses of paraders became more obnoxious than funny. Oh well, chalk it up to experience : )
This shot is the view from Ryan's office building. Can you imagine having to work on a Sunday afternoon with that going on outside your window?

Carrie appropriately models our feelings about the Puerto Rican Day Parade.

I'll be going home this weekend to help celebrate my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary and to work on my tan. Oh yeah, and I have a date tomorrow... what?? :)

Updates from the week ---

This week is a pivotal point in my life - I can officially say that everything that happened "wedding-wise" was "last year", not "last summer" or "this past June"... I can finally begin to put all of this behind me. Of course, I still have about 2 weeks until my "universary", but knowing that I have made it to this point is a wonderful feeling. I've spent a lot of time this week thinking about my life and where I'm headed (verses where I would have been had I actually gotten married - ew) and I'm starting to feel more confident about my life. I guess I really had to go through these things to realize what I'm capable of doing.

Of course, my life is not perfect (not by any means!) and there are many things that I need to do and change before I can really feel like I'm living the life I'm supposed to be living. But, I'm on my way - I'm getting there.

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I went to The Belmont last weekend with my roommate's family and some friends. What an amazing event! I've done so many things living in this city that I would have never been able to experience anywhere else - so unbelievable. I did bet on some horses, but I didn't win any money.. : ( It's alright, though, it was worth the money spent for the excitement.

We had an amazing view - a spot right at the fence - to watch the races... awesome.

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On Tuesday, Elon sponsored an event at the Volstead (midtown east) to kick-off their Elon In New York City event. It is a program where current Elon students get internships in the city and are provided with housing and some food (I think). It's essentially a way for students to get those coveted internships and to make it easier for them to live in the city. (Man, it would have been nice if they had that when I was there). Anyway, the event was for students to really see what "networking" is like.

Normally at these events, I am the network-ee. I'm the one harassing people trying to figure out who they work for, who they know, who knows them, and essentially, if they would recommend me for a job. But, this time, I was on the other side. Suddenly, these people wanted to talk to me! They wanted to know what my internships were, what I had on my resume, and how I got my job. It was so ironic, these students, who are just like I was - excited, optimistic, vivid - couldn't wait to get out in the "Real World". I hate to say that I was a little bit of a thunderstorm on their parade, but I wanted to be honest with them. After all, I think I would have had a better view of what life would be like if people had been completely honest with me during my job hunt. It's not easy. It's hard. It's hard moving to a new city, it's hard finding a job right out of college... and at this point, you almost HAVE to know someone that has an "in" in order to get a job. Applying for jobs online is essentially useless. And, from talking to them, I realized how much I need to be taking my own advice. I should be networking like crazy, talking to everyone I possibly can - and making sure I'm putting myself out there for people to see - employers aren't going to find me!

So, I'm going to put up an updated portfolio website. I think I'm actually going to pay for the domain space and make it as professional as possible. And, if it gets me a job, it'll be worth every penny. I'll keep you posted though.

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In keeping with tradition, June 10th sucked this year as well. It seems that 6/10 is my family's day to receive bad news. Last year, it was the news that my fiance had cancelled our wedding and this year, we learned that my father's cancer is more progressed than they thought. He'll have to begin treatment sooner than we expected (like, within a few weeks/months maybe). It sucks, really, that we got such a good report from the doctors about him being in Stage 0 and the possibility of never needing treatment because his cancer was "dormant". Now, test results have come in from RTP showing that the cancer has mutated some of the blood cells. ::sigh:: This isn't going to be easy.

After having a bone marrow scan, doctors will determine how much/how long/how strong of chemotherapy he would need to get the cancer into a remission. I'll let you know when we know more...

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Well, it's almost quittin' time and there hasn't been much to do today.. so I'm pretty certain I'm going to be kicked out in about 10 minutes. At least it's Friday! More later, dear readers.

Birthdays, Princes, and Ponies - New York is actually kinda cool.

Per usual, my life starts to get more exciting - and it looks less exciting because I've been too consumed (okay, lazy) to update the blog! So, since I've got a VERY slow morning here at work, I've decided to share some events of note.

So, let me first quickly delve into life since the last post: I went home for Memorial Day weekend and had a wonderful time being with family and friends. It's always refreshing to go home, but always a reminder that I'm doing the right thing. Sometimes, I walk around this city wishing for an open yard and a swing on a porch. On those days, I'd give anything to move back home and get back to where things are comfortable, where people know who I am and what I'm capable of, and where I am respected, not chastised, for the way I act or speak.

On the other hand, when I am at home, I am reminded that I made the right decision to move. While living in North Carolina is calm, peaceful, and familiar, it's also a place where I am not tested and therefore would not grow.

I think, really, I have the best of both worlds at my fingertips. I live in the hustle and bustle of the big city. I am exposed to ambitious people that will do (and are doing) great things and I have all the resources to really make a difference in my life. And, when I feel the need, I can always go home again; for that little bit of perspective - to remind me that I am capable of so many things - and to know that my family and friends will always be there when I need to come back.

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On Wednesday, I officially added an extra candle to the birthday cake. For me, birthdays have never really been that big of a deal. I've always had shared celebrations with family members and I guess I never really got into the habit of really celebrating my "day of birth". I did receive cards and gifts from family and friends and I had a birthday dinner with my roommate - plenty of celebration for me. I guess it's kind of funny, each year, we get more and more introspective about our lives and how we're living it. So, I thought about the last year. Birthday to birthday. And, I came to the decision that I'm proud of me! There, I said it. I'm proud of myself! Because it was my birthday, I'm allowed to take a moment and be vain. On May 27th of last year, I was not in the best mood. I graduated from college 3 days prior, and while I should have been the happiest at that time, I was upset because my "fiance" didn't come to see me graduate. I had argued and fought with him at the time, because he had promised that "no matter what" he would be there - knowing that it was important to me. Let's file that one in, "I shoulda known". Anyway, with the reeling of the recent disappointment, and the sadness of leaving my friends, I also had to move out of my apartment that Tuesday. There's nothing sadder than seeing the blank walls and empty space of a place you called home. Still, I had things to look forward to. I was getting married in a month, and the next few weeks were to be spent tying ribbons, folding papers, and spending time with the people I love most.

Let's fast-forward to this year. This year will probably go down in (my personal) history as one of the hardest years of my life. I know everyone has personal battles that they deal with, but for me, it seemed that I kept getting knocked down. One blow after the other, day after day, month after month. To the point where other people began to see saying "geez, Virginia, this year sucks for you!". And, it did. This year sucked. But, (here's the silver lining, ready for it?) I can look back now at my journey and it's like looking over the ledge after climbing up the mountain. I can see where I started, and I can see the point where I slid down. I know the exact time and place that I hit rock bottom, and I know the exact time and place that I started to climb back up. Am I at the top? Absolutely not. But I am in motion - and this year has been pivotal for me in understanding who I am, what I'm capable of, and what I want to be. This year, I became an adult.

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Okay, now that I've had my weekly, "self pep-talk", I can divulge into some fun things. This past weekend, Govenors Island was re-opened for public use. And, in honor of the island's now open gates, a polo match was held on the grounds (Apparently, they used to play Polo a lot on Governors Island) It's a small island, just south of the Island of Manhattan - just a short ferry ride away. So, Carrie, Ryan, and I went to the polo match that was a fundraiser for Prince Harry's newest project "Sentabale". (Website Here) While ticket prices ranged from $500.00 to $50,000.00, we joined the "free crowd" to watch the match. Since I had never been to a polo match before, I wasn't sure what to expect, but I will say that I loved it! We were close enough to the pitch (field) to see all of the action and it was a really good game!

The game was sponsored by Veuve Clicquot Champagne so there were many famous people in attendance. Of course, I was a little "star struck" by all of the celebrities there. Prince Harry was playing, as well as Nacho Figueras (he's the guy in the Ralph Lauren ads. ( Hotness Here ) I also spotted LL Cool J. Kate Hudson, Chloe Sevigny, and Madonna were also in attendance - as I'm sure many others. There are photos on Facebook, go check them out - Here's one of my favorite shots - you can really see the faces of the players. I'm actually surprised I got so many good shots since I wasn't really paying attention to what was being seen through my camera.

Prince Harry (1) and Nacho Figureas (4)

Governors Island is such an amazing place. It's small, very green, and it's basically set up like a college campus. It has amazing views of the harbor and downtown Manhattan, and it's quiet enough to make it feel like you're far, far away from the city. I think Governors Island will be a place I will frequent this summer.

View of Lady Liberty in the Harbor from Picnic Point, Governors Island

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So far, the summer season has shown me the potential New York City has. It's actually quite nice. This weekend, I'll be going with friends to The Belmont (a horse race) - should be pretty exciting. Updates to come!

The year of silence

Have you ever had a day where you didn't speak - not even once? During my school years - going WAY back - I was a good student. There were rarely any complaints from my teachers. However, I would frequently receive a "report card comment": Too talkative. Ha, too talkative! I would later joke with my former elementary and middle school teachers about how I was destined to major in communications at college because of my loquacious demeanor.

If they could see me now...

Yesterday, I decided to take a walk around the city (not that unusual, actually. It's kind of been my Saturday routine for a while now - since the weather is nice again). I spent 6 hours of the day, just walking. Wow. Now that I think about it, that's a lot of damn walking -

I went to Bergdorf Goodman to look at exquisite clothes and shoes that I will never be able to afford, I walked down 5th Avenue and watched the foreigners marvel at their newly purchased "American-style clothes" (note: Abercrombie and Fitch). I walked through a street fair on 6th Avenue, watching people barter over paying 5 dollars vs. 7 dollars on cheap, silver jewelry. I stopped and sat at the NY Public Library and watched tourists take pictures with the giant lions and heard girls giggling about being on the same steps that Carrie Bradshaw had emotionally trod after being jilted by the notorious "Mr. Big".

I did some shopping, continued walking and ended up in Madison Square Park. I sat on a bench around the "wishing pond" and watched people pass by. I smiled at strangers, said "Hello" to a few, but that was the extent of my human to human communication for the day. As I sat, a bird in a tree behind me chirped incessantly - I think I was close to her nest, she was warning me to stay away, I guess.

It's humorous, in a way - I so long for conversation that I pick up the sounds of a bird - thinking that she was trying to communicate with me.

I saw two women walk over to the "pond"... they were speaking softly to the water - and as they cried, they threw their pennies into the water. While they embraced each other, I saw emotion so real, it didn't matter that I didn't know their struggle - I felt their pain. I guess we all have similar pains in us. For a moment, their pain was my pain - and after our eyes met, I wondered if they felt my pain too.

As it began to get dark, I decided to head back home. I walked through Gramercy park, marveling over the beautiful architecture of the buildings. I watched the doorman light the lanterns outside of the apartments - jealous of the tenants who have someone that cares about their safety on the sidewalks. Each of them nodded a silent greeting as I passed.

I often complain about my life here in New York City - and I know that I should be appreciative of everything I have. Yet, New York is a city that constantly reminds you of what you could have, if you work hard enough. New York is a city of ambition. Something to work for to strive for. I know that those that live around Gramercy Park got their because of their ambition. Could that be me one day? And I wonder, do I even have what it takes to make it in this city?

On the north side of Gramercy, I stopped to cross the street. As I waited for cars to pass, I looked down at the sidewalk and saw a message written in the cement..

I know the picture is very low resolution, so you might not be able to see the words - but I remember it vividly.

"Narisa, I will love you for a million eternities."

I am sad to report that my first reaction to this message was "ha, what a load of shit." When the realization of my first thought really sunk in, I became very upset. Have I become so cynical that I no longer believe in everlasting love? And I, the eternal optimist, the one who always believed true love exists - could I have been changed? It's not like I have never been exposed to people who truly love each other - I mean, my grandparents have been married 57 years. Can it be possible for anyone to hurt so badly that their faith in love and people is compromised? Because if so, I don't want it to happen to me. But, I am afraid that it has.

I walked the remainder of the way home trying to think positively; to remember that I am here for a reason. And to try to look for kindness and compassion in other people instead of hate and disdain. And, to look for the same in myself.

Back in the fall, I had a lot of people trying to help me cope with the difficulties I was facing. At that time, I wanted nothing more than to be alone and quiet - to think and to reflect on my life and the position I was in. Now, I'm wishing that I had taken the opportunity to talk to people. I guess, in reality, I got exactly what I wanted - to be left alone. Be careful what you wish for.

I believe that, in the future, I will look back on this year ("year" currently meaning September - September) as my "year of silence". Because, yes, I do go entire days without saying a single word. I have even spoken, audibly, to inanimate things in my apartment, seemingly just to make sure my voice was still there. The photo above says "enjoy the silence". It's almost laughable to me. I understand that some people relish in having a period during the day where they can be in silence - to be only with their own thoughts. I would rather share my "period of silence" and take wonderful conversation any time.

I guess everyone has their own way of healing - and if you told me that my mechanism for regaining strength was through silence, I would have disagreed wholeheartedly. But, I think that having these moments of introspect will ultimately help me to discover who I am and what I am capable of. Maybe.. I don't know.