Elon, and a note about forgiveness

Last week, this video made the rounds on almost all of the social networking sites. I caught it from a twitter post and before the nearly 3 minutes were up, I had tears in my eyes.  You see, there is a sense of pride in every Elon student. Just as it says in the video, I don't know any student that doesn't feel that way, that doesn't look back on their time there with nostalgia. But for me, it brought on very a very different type of emotion. I was sad, very sad. And angry.

Part of me feels robbed of my college experience because of the relationship I was in. I didn't participate in all that I could have because I felt I had to be constantly "on call" waiting for phone calls from another part of the world. I spent so much of my time trying to make a long-distance relationship work that I had no other time for non-scholarly events. In the scene where the graduates are excitedly staring at their degrees, hugging family members, and posing for pictures, I can only remember the disappointment I felt because he had not shown up. I only wanted to be out of there.

In many ways, I have come to a place of forgiveness in light of what transpired in that relationship; but, when it comes to my college experience, knowing everything I could have had, I can only feel that twinge of regret and anger. I hate that my college memories, ones that are supposed to be remembered with fondness, are sprinkled with nauseating memories of hurt. He took a lot more from me than I realized at the time, and I'm not ready to forgive that.

Affected

There are several websites I visit on a daily basis; the blogs listed to the right, Facebook, Twitter, and The Frisky.

Since discovering The Frisky more that 2 years ago, I have followed the lives of the women who write for the site, their trials and tribulations, from financial issues, dating dramas, marriage woes, getting in shape, among many other life journeys. When I started reading, Editor in Chief Amelia had just gone through a similar broken engagement situation that I had just experienced a few months earlier. I read her writings and felt a kin to her, as I had just experienced those same emotions too.

Another writer, Jessica, wrote frequently about her 2 year relationship. One that was "practically perfect in every way". She wrote about how they talked about an upcoming engagement, even bought a dress for the eventual engagement party. I have felt like I know these women, I follow in their triumphs and their failures, like finding best friends in the pages of a book.

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On Saturday evening, Craig and I had ventured out to Ikea in Red Hook, Brooklyn to search for some additional storage pieces for my apartment. We took the ferry in the snow to Brooklyn, found the perfect piece, and ventured back home to put it all together. Craig got to work building the shelf while I ran to the store and came back to make dinner. While waiting for some mushrooms and onions to caramelize, I checked out my Twitter feed from my phone. I was surprised to find Ameila tweeting about un-following a friend/co-worker's ex boyfriend and taking sides "20th Century style".

I quickly dove in to find out who it was. Who had broken up with their boyfriend? Who had even been dating someone? It didn't take long for me to find it: Jessica's boyfriend dumped her.

In the following days, she has written lengthy articles about their relationship, how surprised she was about the sudden turn of events, and today, how she has been able to fall out of love.

This week, I have literally been in a tug-of-war over my emotions and it hit me today that Jessica's failed relationship has struck a chord with me. It has shaken something deep within me. So much so, that I have subconsciously questioned everything about myself.

In Jessica's case, she was in a relationship she thought was on-track to marriage and was completely struck with the reality that it was not as it seemed. The man she loved was not as he seemed and she is left reveling in what she should have done, could have done, and what she will do now.

Why does this affect me? I'm not exactly sure. Maybe it's because I know what she's feeling. I know the shock, the hurt, the disbelief, and the embarrassment that comes from a breakup like that. I know what it is like to finally uncover and understand that the person you thought you were with was not that person at all. And ultimately, I guess it makes me wonder if it will happen to me again.

Of course, I know that she and I are not the same person. Where something that happens to her will not automatically happen to me. Please know that I am aware of this. I know that I should never compare my relationship and my life to one of another and that each individual has experiences that are unique to them. But, I have to admit it has affected me.

"Why do you doubt me?" Craig has said to me this week. And in reality, I don't doubt him. When I think about him I see him as an individual, one that has no ties or connections to anything in my past. If anything, I see him as my shining light at the end of the tunnel. He fills my heart with joy and happiness each and every day and I hope that he feels the same way about me.

When I think about the situation at hand, I think that he is exactly the person he seems to be. No smoke and mirrors, no lies, nothing concealed from me. He is honest and kind, loving and affectionate, and takes care of me. More importantly, I feel that he wants to do these things, to be that person, not because he feels like he has to.

So why does one article written by someone I have never met affect me so? Why does reading about someone else's shock and betrayal make me think that it will eventually happen to me? Is it because it has happened to me? Are we all destined to have one huge heartbreak in our lives and once we get past it we're good to only have happiness? And if not, how do you know? How do you protect yourself?

In trying to answer my own question, I know that no one can predict the future and you can never be prepared for the rug to be pulled out from under your feet. You can only love with your entirety, for that is the only way to love. That is the only way I love. And in moving forward and pressing on, I will try to remember to push away the demons of the past and love wholly and completely, with everything I have.

Old Wounds

Last year, I was contacted by a casting company for an upcoming show about those who planned weddings and, for whatever reason, didn't make it to the altar. I was contacted last May, almost one year after my relationship explosion. Though I had healed a lot, I still had a fresh, wide-open, wounded heart. I would have given anything to share the pain with someone else. Though, I will admit, that my motive for participating at the time was vindictive. I wanted everyone (especially him) to know that I was better off without him in my life - even so much as telling it on national TV. So, I shared my story with the casting director, we spoke for a very long time and I was excited that I would get the chance to share my experience.

Months went by and I heard nothing from the casting director. I assumed the project had been derailed and I had forgotten all about the days I shared my stories with that woman.

Until yesterday.

Yesterday, I received a call from a man in Los Angeles. He told me he worked with a production company and was wondering if I was still interested in being a part of the television show about "weddings that weren't". Instinctually, I said "Yes! Absolutely!" and took the man's information. He said they were in the process of determining who was still willing to participate and would be in touch with me soon about specifics.

In the 24 hours since that phone call, I've thought a lot about what I want to do. I haven't shared the news with many people (only 2 until now) because I wanted to take some time to get rid of the "OMG I might be on TV!!" feelings and really figure out if this is something that I want to do.

I've done a lot of healing in the past 20 months. I've experienced just about every emotion that a person possibly can. And though I know I haven't completely forgiven him, I've certainly moved on from having any thoughts about him whatsoever. I've come out of it with a large amount of emotional scarring, and I'm pretty sure I will always have trust issues with men. But, I've become a new person and believe it or not, I found I am still able to open my heart, become a little vulnerable, and let someone else in. It's slow, of course, but I have been reassured that it can happen to me.

So, would it be unwise to reopen some of those wounds and share them with a national audience? I'm really riding the fence with this one. Part of me feels that allowing myself to feel those emotions again will push me back into some of those old feelings; and I'll end up in places I swore I never wanted to revisit. Retelling my story will force me to relive it all again - to re-experience each and every detail. Do I want to do that? And, more importantly, am I strong enough to do that?

There's the other side, of course. Sharing my experience could help others who may be in the same situation. Right after it happened, I was humiliated. And as time went on, I encountered more and more people who had experienced something similar. I knew I wasn't alone. Also, I found that a lot of people didn't understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling. Feelings like humiliation and guilt were very prevalent during the whole ordeal and I was constantly asked "Why do you feel guilty? You did nothing wrong.." and I could never really explain where it was coming from. So, could I be someone that could help? Could I be that person that says, "It will be okay, I've been where you are. You will be okay."

Also, I wonder if I'm really a "success story" here - Am I what people would want to look to? Sure, I moved from small-town-North-Carolina to big-city-New-York and have made somewhat of a life for myself here, but I haven't exactly been "successful" (in the monetary sense). Still, I was in the "pit of despair" emotionally and found a way out of it. I became happy again, which is a success in itself.

So, I'm still deciding. Of course, a final decision doesn't have to be made yet because I still don't know the logistics of it all. I'll have to wait and see if I'm contacted again and determine if I will move forward with this project. But I'll ask you, dear readers. What do you think I should do?

The Un-iversary

It has been said that everyone ages a considerable amount in their first year out of college. I wholeheartedly believe that is true. I mentioned a few posts ago about a networking event for Elon students that will soon be joining the workforce. Upon returning to my apartment and discussing the event with my roommate, I remember telling her, "They were all so little! They looked like babies!" Thinking about it, they were only 1-3 years younger than I. But, they had a certain youthfulness about them. And those of us that have moved forward into the black hole of "real life" appeared older (not necessarily more mature, but definitely older.) Maybe it's the naivety that is gone from behind our eyes.

As the title of this post states, I have reached my universary. The one-year point of my un-marriage. There were many times throughout the year where I thought that this day (which was actually yesterday) would be my hardest day. I was plesantly suprised to find that not the case. It was almost like any other day, really. Yes, there were some reminders througout the weekend of the wedding that "wasn't to be" and the relationship that "crashed and burned" but, my mind and heart were at peace. It was almost like those things were never there - like they never existed in the first place. Am I completely whole again? Probably not. In fact, I probably will never be completely "healed". In a way, I will always have a twinge of pain - like a faint scar - that will remind me of how badly an individual can hurt another without doing any physical harm.

I spent the weekend in North Carolina with my family and friends. My grandparents were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary (I would have shared a wedding day with them had I gotten married) - - there was a grand party planned with all of thier family and friends in attendance. Irony definitely played a role in the 50th anniversary party -- the decor featured decorations and details that were carefully picked out for my own celebration. I thought it would be painful, seeing all of my "ideas" used for something else.. but it was heartwarming, really. Knowing that those things were being used for a celebration of love (real love) was the best thing I could have hoped to see. Seeing my grandparents dance together, loving each other for 50 years - has made me believe that it is possible to find love - even after a considerable amount of heartache.

It was wonderful to talk with some extended family members - those that I (sadly) don't get to see very often (Shout-out to Katy and Dave! hollaaa!) and to really spend some time with those I see more often, but I have missed so much since moving to NYC. I am so very blessed to have such wonderful people in my life.

So, I made it. I made it to the year after. And I'm surprisingly doing very well. But, like those from the networking event, I've lost some of the naivety that laid behind my eyes last year. I had to grow up.


Yes, those are some of the photos from my wedding portraits. For a long time, I felt the need to keep these hidden, but I figured it would be okay to post them because that girl in the photo does not exist anymore. Looking at them, it's like someone playing dress-up, pretending to be something, to feel something that is not there anymore. That girl is tucked away just like the dress and veil.

I am a new person - someone who is ready and excited to experience a life that is full of family, friends, and laughter - and someone who will always believe in love.

"I can't do it"

So, I've come full-circle. It was on this day, exactly one year ago, that I received an early morning phone call that changed my life. Around 6:00am, my (then)fiance called me and effectively told me that he did not want to get married. "I can't do it" was all he said - all he needed to say, really. During the short phone calls, texts messages, and emails (really, who cancels a wedding by texting??) that were exchanged, I knew that my life was going to be very different from what I had planned. No, the wedding wasn't actually canceled until a few days later, but in my heart, I knew that morning that I deserved better.

I remember, there was a moment - after the first phone call (that phone call only lasted about 2 min.) I sat up in bed, still a little groggy from sleep and shocked from being on the phone. I'm not sure why, but I got up out of bed and went outside to sit on the front porch. It was at that moment, as I sat outside at 6:30 in the morning, that I understood what was happening. I was not getting married. I would have to start over. I think in that moment, my heart accepted this - but my head had not. I still had too many questions, too many thoughts - and it would be a long, long time before all of the pieces made sense. I had margaritas for breakfast and ice cream for lunch. The beginning of my long, hard battle had started.


The above photo was taken three days before the "D-Day" at my Bridesmaid's luncheon. My bridesmaids (with the exception of C's sister - omen??) and I were taking photographs toward the end of the lunch. During the photo session, someone yelled "turn around!" to someone else, but we (being silly) turned around and posed for the "photo". I realize now how symbolic this photo really is. On that day, when my life was going exactly as I had planned it, they were there for me, sharing in my joy. And when my world was crumbling around me, They were there, holding me up. I still had the support of my family and friends - much like the photo above. Granted, my bridesmaids weren't the only ones that were there for me during that time. (They're just the ones that are in the appropriate photo) To all my family and friends: Thank you. You have no idea how much you helped me.

It really doesn't seem like an entire year has passed. Now, there were a few days/weeks in the winter that felt like they lasted an entire year, but looking back now, this year has gone by very quickly. I guess I'm lucky for that.

More thoughts and reflections to come. Love to you -

Disclaimer:

There will probably be a lot of "one year ago today" posts in the coming weeks/months. Because, "one year ago" my life changed dramatically. This is when I'm allowed to get all retrospective. Stay tuned.

Birthdays, Princes, and Ponies - New York is actually kinda cool.

Per usual, my life starts to get more exciting - and it looks less exciting because I've been too consumed (okay, lazy) to update the blog! So, since I've got a VERY slow morning here at work, I've decided to share some events of note.

So, let me first quickly delve into life since the last post: I went home for Memorial Day weekend and had a wonderful time being with family and friends. It's always refreshing to go home, but always a reminder that I'm doing the right thing. Sometimes, I walk around this city wishing for an open yard and a swing on a porch. On those days, I'd give anything to move back home and get back to where things are comfortable, where people know who I am and what I'm capable of, and where I am respected, not chastised, for the way I act or speak.

On the other hand, when I am at home, I am reminded that I made the right decision to move. While living in North Carolina is calm, peaceful, and familiar, it's also a place where I am not tested and therefore would not grow.

I think, really, I have the best of both worlds at my fingertips. I live in the hustle and bustle of the big city. I am exposed to ambitious people that will do (and are doing) great things and I have all the resources to really make a difference in my life. And, when I feel the need, I can always go home again; for that little bit of perspective - to remind me that I am capable of so many things - and to know that my family and friends will always be there when I need to come back.

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On Wednesday, I officially added an extra candle to the birthday cake. For me, birthdays have never really been that big of a deal. I've always had shared celebrations with family members and I guess I never really got into the habit of really celebrating my "day of birth". I did receive cards and gifts from family and friends and I had a birthday dinner with my roommate - plenty of celebration for me. I guess it's kind of funny, each year, we get more and more introspective about our lives and how we're living it. So, I thought about the last year. Birthday to birthday. And, I came to the decision that I'm proud of me! There, I said it. I'm proud of myself! Because it was my birthday, I'm allowed to take a moment and be vain. On May 27th of last year, I was not in the best mood. I graduated from college 3 days prior, and while I should have been the happiest at that time, I was upset because my "fiance" didn't come to see me graduate. I had argued and fought with him at the time, because he had promised that "no matter what" he would be there - knowing that it was important to me. Let's file that one in, "I shoulda known". Anyway, with the reeling of the recent disappointment, and the sadness of leaving my friends, I also had to move out of my apartment that Tuesday. There's nothing sadder than seeing the blank walls and empty space of a place you called home. Still, I had things to look forward to. I was getting married in a month, and the next few weeks were to be spent tying ribbons, folding papers, and spending time with the people I love most.

Let's fast-forward to this year. This year will probably go down in (my personal) history as one of the hardest years of my life. I know everyone has personal battles that they deal with, but for me, it seemed that I kept getting knocked down. One blow after the other, day after day, month after month. To the point where other people began to see saying "geez, Virginia, this year sucks for you!". And, it did. This year sucked. But, (here's the silver lining, ready for it?) I can look back now at my journey and it's like looking over the ledge after climbing up the mountain. I can see where I started, and I can see the point where I slid down. I know the exact time and place that I hit rock bottom, and I know the exact time and place that I started to climb back up. Am I at the top? Absolutely not. But I am in motion - and this year has been pivotal for me in understanding who I am, what I'm capable of, and what I want to be. This year, I became an adult.

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Okay, now that I've had my weekly, "self pep-talk", I can divulge into some fun things. This past weekend, Govenors Island was re-opened for public use. And, in honor of the island's now open gates, a polo match was held on the grounds (Apparently, they used to play Polo a lot on Governors Island) It's a small island, just south of the Island of Manhattan - just a short ferry ride away. So, Carrie, Ryan, and I went to the polo match that was a fundraiser for Prince Harry's newest project "Sentabale". (Website Here) While ticket prices ranged from $500.00 to $50,000.00, we joined the "free crowd" to watch the match. Since I had never been to a polo match before, I wasn't sure what to expect, but I will say that I loved it! We were close enough to the pitch (field) to see all of the action and it was a really good game!

The game was sponsored by Veuve Clicquot Champagne so there were many famous people in attendance. Of course, I was a little "star struck" by all of the celebrities there. Prince Harry was playing, as well as Nacho Figueras (he's the guy in the Ralph Lauren ads. ( Hotness Here ) I also spotted LL Cool J. Kate Hudson, Chloe Sevigny, and Madonna were also in attendance - as I'm sure many others. There are photos on Facebook, go check them out - Here's one of my favorite shots - you can really see the faces of the players. I'm actually surprised I got so many good shots since I wasn't really paying attention to what was being seen through my camera.

Prince Harry (1) and Nacho Figureas (4)

Governors Island is such an amazing place. It's small, very green, and it's basically set up like a college campus. It has amazing views of the harbor and downtown Manhattan, and it's quiet enough to make it feel like you're far, far away from the city. I think Governors Island will be a place I will frequent this summer.

View of Lady Liberty in the Harbor from Picnic Point, Governors Island

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So far, the summer season has shown me the potential New York City has. It's actually quite nice. This weekend, I'll be going with friends to The Belmont (a horse race) - should be pretty exciting. Updates to come!