A letter to me.

Last week, a website that I frequent (TheFrisky) posted a blurb about a submission to The Guardian by a man named Stephen Fry. He wrote a letter to his 16-year-old self. He penned:

"Tears splash on to my keyboard now. I am perhaps happier now than I have ever been and yet I cannot but recognize that I would trade all that I am to be you, the eternally unhappy, nervous, wild, wondering and despairing 16-year-old Stephen: angry, angst-ridden and awkward but alive. Because you know how to feel, and knowing how to feel is more important than how you feel. Deadness of soul is the only unpardonable crime, and if there is one thing happiness can do it is mask deadness of soul."

The writers of The Frisky then prompted readers to write their own letters to their 16-year-old selves. The responses were astounding - so many people penned their own letters, revealing heartache, pain, triumphs, success, but one thing was common among all... the idea that things will get better. So, I thought that this experiment could be fun to do blog-style. I wrote a letter to 16 year old me and I'd like to share.

Dear 16-year-old Virginia,

You live in New York City! Don’t laugh at me… you do!

Know that it’s cool to be smart. Soak up all of the knowledge you can - read the books for English, some of them are actually good! And, it will help keep your stress levels down about those "pop quizzes"! Understand that even though you’re not in the “popular” crowd now, your crowd will be the one a lot of people envy after college. Those friends you’ve had since elementary school will still be the best friends you will ever have. Understand that no matter what is done or said, they will always be there for you. Use them, rely on them - they are your strength. And, be there for them in return.. always.

I know you feel like you have to please everybody all of the time - but, realize that it's okay to upset people sometimes. There's no way to make everybody happy - just make yourself happy - the ones that matter will be content with just that.

The family is the greatest thing you will have in life - the relationships (and friendships) you build with them are priceless - you’ll find they’re actually really cool.

You’ll like your sister, eventually. Yes, really.

When it comes to relationships, I wouldn’t want to stray you away from what actually happens because valuable character building occurs during those times - but trust your heart. Stay attuned to the red flags and most importantly, don’t punish yourself for something you couldn’t control.

In college, go crazy - Go out and have fun, stay up all night, drink too much, and make friends with everyone you meet. That way, you won’t feel like you wasted 4 years of precious time waiting for your life to start. Start now.

Though I can’t say that “everything is perfect now!”—Do know this: you are coming into a time in your life where things will be confusing and nightmarish, but you are stronger than you think. Laugh often and surround yourself with people you love. If you do that.. nothing can go wrong.

You’re cool, but don’t dye your hair so much - you’ll ruin it.

Love,

The cooler, 23-year-old, you.

So, now I challenge you, few readers - what would you say to your 16-year-old self? Feel free to leave your letters in the comments, or email them to me - I'll post them anonymously if you so choose.

...it will make your skin crawl

If you know me, you know that there aren't many things that really freak me out. Yes, ticks are disgusting, bloodsucking monsters that I would rather not interact with. But, for the most part, there's nothing that I'm really "afraid" of. Not snakes, not bugs, not spiders... until now. Yesterday, I had the most frightening bug experience ever - I mean, I reacted so strongly, I'm surprised I still have a working computer (because I flinged it off the bed).

I woke up leisurely on Sunday morning, pulled my laptop over to my bed and started surfing the internet... I heard some movement in my closet. Figuring it was the rest of my clothing getting ready to come crashing down, I ignored it - let it fall, I figured, I'll clean it up later. The sound went away, but I heard some other noises which I figured were the pigeons outside - until I saw something the size of Rhode Island crawling on my bed. I flipped out, trying to get away from it and at the same time, get it off my bed - I ended up flicking it to the floor (where it went inside my rainboot) and ran out of my room.

I took a second to compose myself before tackling the beast (which was now lost somewhere in the floor of my room) I grabbed a bowl from the kitchen and went back in to trap it under the bowl. After hearing it near a plastic bag on the floor, I ended up getting it under the bowl. I had to wait until Carrie got home to help me get rid of the thing because I just couldn't stomach it. I've never had anything that made my skin crawl like that.

So you want to know what it was? I have a photo:

This exact same creature was in our apartment on November 10th, 2008 (when these photos were taken) in the bathroom. I saw it crawling on the wall - and Carrie and I tried to kill the monster. Apparently, we did not kill it as we thought (by crushing it behind the bathroom cabinet) and it has been living in my closet (::shudder::) Look at it! It's HUGE!! And it was crawling on me! AND IN MY BED!!! Oh, man... it gives me chills.

(Pardon all the hair on our bathroom floor - Carrie and I shed a lot)

Gross. Yet another reason why I'll be getting a new apartment in September. Note: The roach was flushed after being removed from the bowl.

To give you an idea of just how big this thing is/was, here's a photo of it next to our bathroom trashcan -

When it was in our bathroom before, Carrie tried to kill it while I took pictures - it made for some hilarious pictures, and it shows Carrie's bravery. I was the coward.

Apartment Mess

Every day, I'm worried I'll get back to my apartment and the building will have collapsed. The kitchen floor slopes downward at, at least, a 20 degree angle, the door frames are strained and I'm pretty sure one day the oven is going to fall through the floor. Yes, I live in a "Pre-War" apartment that probably should have been bulldozed years ago.

While I had considered staying in the apartment for another year, mainly as a reaction to not wanting to move my stuff AGAIN, my decision was definitely made yesterday. I will not live in this apartment after September. I still don't know if I'll be leaving New York City, but I'll definitely be moving out of this place!

Yesterday morning, I was awakened by a "drip-drip-drip" sound. Since it has been raining for over a week (some days with some pretty strong storms), the sound of water isn't that unusual. Once I came closer to consciousness, I realized that the dripping sound was coming from INSIDE the apartment. I quickly got out of bed to determine what the problem was and it didn't take me long to find it - there was over an inch of yellow water on the bathroom floor. The water was coming through the ceiling in 4 different places. After calling the emergency maintenance line (who, by the way, aren't very nice!) someone finally came out to determine what the problem was. Apparently, the man living upstairs decided to do some laundry in his bathtub, overflowing the tub and bursting a pipe between the floors. Perfect.

After they stopped the water, I went to work after I was promised that someone would be coming by to clean up the standing water in our apartment. When I got back that night, no one had come to the apartment and I had a HUGE mess to clean up - I used basically every towel I owned to get the water up out of the floor, and then had to take all of the towels (plus 50 pounds of water) all to the laundromat to wash them.

To make matters worse, I got back to my apartment only to find my closet racks had collapsed - leaving all of my clothes in the floor. (sorry for the crappy camera phone picture, my camera was buried under the mess) I had to move all of my clothes into Carrie's room in order to get the hardware pieces out. Now, I have to figure out how to get my closet rack back up (or something back up) so that I can store my clothing! It's definitely going to be interesting, with no man in my life to play "handy man", I'll be doing it all by myself. I don't want to spend a lot of money fixing it, because I don't plan on living in this apartment in 4 months --- uggghhhhhhh I guess I'll be spending time at Home Depot this weekend...

Dreaming ---

I really wish I had reasons to wear dresses like this:


It's an Alexander McQueen RTW embroidered tulle gown with silk lining - I bet it feels like heaven. I guess at $1,998.00 (marked down from $12,915.00) it should feel like heaven. Ahhh... Now, I'll just dream of luxurious gowns and beautiful parties.

A diagnosis.

My father has leukemia.

It's a statement that doesn't get less strange each time I say it. My father has leukemia. It's called Chronic Lymphocitic Leukemia (CLL) It's a blood cancer, where the healthy blood stem cells develop abnormal lymphocytes and don't become white blood cells. In turn, people with CLL don't fight infection as a normally healthy person would. This, actually, explains why my father has been continually sick (unable to fight off even the smallest infection) for an entire year. With this type of cancer, the lymphocytes increase in the blood and bone marrow, which leaves less room for healthy white and red blood cells.

While it's a strange concept to me, this type of Leukemia is the most common type for adults. And, the chances of developing this type of cancer increases with being white, male, and over 50.

In the "Leukemia and Lymphoma" world, this type of cancer is known as the "watch and wait" cancer because treatment is postponed until the chromosomal mutations occur. So, depending on how long my father has had this cancer (without knowing) will determine when treatment will begin. (I'll know on Thursday how advanced his case is)

It's such an odd thought - knowing that the blood that is running through my father's veins is contaminated. The very thing that is keeping him alive is also killing him. Irony. heh.

In truth, I feel numb about the whole thing. When telling people of this diagnosis, the words sound like lies coming out of my mouth -- in a way that I haven't convinced myself that it's real. Not that cancer is something that is extremely rare in my family, but just that it's my father - MY FATHER! My father, who is caring and kind, witty, and a bit of a smart-ass. The man who can find humor in any situation. The one who can fix anything. My father has leukemia.

Of course, it's difficult for me being away from my family during this time - but what is more difficult is trying to talk to them about it. It's like my family has gone in to "Crisis Communications mode channeled by Mr. Rogers". I understand that they want to paint a pretty picture of the situation to help us all feel better - and I understand that until we know what the treatment will be (and when it will begin) there's not much reason to be completely engulfed in emotion, but feel SOMETHING, please?! I can handle crisis. I can be upset and still be okay - but it seems that my family is trying to protect me from feeling anything with this diagnosis.

Call me crazy (and some have) but I think that it's okay to be upset, it's okay to be scared - in fact, it's probably healthy to feel that way. But why can't my mother and father admit that they're scared? I'd rather know that they're worried than to get the "Oh we're fine! Don't be upset, we're all just fine!" when I know it's not completely true.

The thought of one day losing my father was something I wanted to bury in the back of my mind for many many years - now, the realization that my father will eventually be taken by cancer is in the forefront. I understand that he's got time - depending on the diagnosis and treatment, he could live 30 or 40 more years! (This, is what I'm hoping for) But it's still crippling to imagine a life without him in it. I don't want to.

For now, I will continue to pray for his heath (both physically and emotionally) and do whatever I can to help him in this journey - it's going to be a long one.

Instability.

Last night, I woke up every 2 hours -- just like the night before. Something is unstable within me.

The Let-down

This past week/weekend was my first in "back to normal" state here in the city. I thought that it would be a welcome relief - to get back into my normal routine, but what I found instead was a letdown of massive proportions. When I was home for Christmas, I felt a huge weight lifted when I got back into the city after the new year. I was back to anonymity, back to being on my own. But this time, I didn't feel the same enjoyment. I felt sadness - sadness about being back in the "concrete jungle" - knowing that I would go back to being alone in the masses. I knew that as I made the trek from airport to apartment, I wouldn't run into someone I knew and no one would be waiting for me to return.

My sadness upon return quickly morphed into another emotion altogether - I was angry! Angry at what? Specifically, I don't know. I just know that Tuesday-Friday of this past week, I was surly... I didn't snap at people, and outwardly, I'm not sure if anyone could tell that I was fuming on the inside - but still, I didn't feel content. I thought maybe it was the weather... since I had just spent the weekend enjoying 70 degree days, complete with sandals and sundresses, then came back to 40 degree rainy days. Gross.

Ultimately, I'm sure my malcontent came from many different sources... the weather, my family's absence, friends no longer coming to visit, being alone in my apartment, nothing good on tv, and no upcoming plans to look forward to. Still, it makes me wonder if my feelings of coming back to the city are a sign of misplacement. Is New York City not where I'm supposed to be?

Maybe I'm putting too much of my thoughts and plans into the "fate" category. I guess because I tried so hard to plan my life according to what I wanted before, and watched it all crumble around me, that I feel that there's no use in fighting what is meant to be. But at what point does allowing what is "meant to be" become laziness? Am I doing myself a disservice by not trying to take control of every situation? Or am I simply giving up control as a way of coping with the past?

Ugh. I think too much.

On Saturday, NYC experienced it's first spring-feeling day of the year. Because of the 70-degree weather, I, like everyone else in Manhattan, decided to spend some time in Central Park - laying in the grass, reading, and taking some walks. I always enjoy Central Park - it's large enough to surround yourself with nature so that you don't feel like you're in the city, but crowded enough so you don't feel alone. On Saturday, Central Park felt more like a Festival of sorts, with all of the people hanging around, groups performing for the masses, and the vendors walking around selling hot dogs and sodas. But, it was nice to see a different side of this city. The photo above is the Jackie O. Reservoir, tucked right in the center of Central Park. (sorry about the quality, taken by camera phone - and crappy camera phone at that!) The buildings seen are on the Upper East Side.
I wanted to go to a different section of the park than I normally frequent, and I'm really glad I did. I saw an entirely new image of the Park - one that is rocky and trail-like instead of the section set for a movie-scene. (as seen to the left - photo not by me) Though, I will admit, I love the mall area of the park. My favorite passage is seen here, with the windy trees making a canopy over the walkway. It's just beautiful, I could walk up and down the path for hours. I eventually met up with Carrie and Ryan in the Park (at a section known as "Sheep Meadow")

After leaving the park, I went to the grocery store at Union Square and lugged all of my groceries 11 blocks back to my apartment. I made myself some dinner, watched some TV, then met Carrie and Ryan downtown at a bar for one of their friends' birthday party. It was a wasted attempt to make some friends, since not a single other person spoke to me (besides Ryan and Carrie) - what is it about people in this city? They don't really like to reach out of their comfort zones. Once a friend circle is made, it is rarely breached. So I went home alone (I'm getting pretty tired of that), read a bit, and went to sleep.

I basically slept all day on Sunday, waking to read a bit, then falling asleep again. It felt like a wasted day, but I probably needed it - to catch up on the lack of sleep I sustained over the past 2 weeks.

Currently, I'm at work - but the server is down on our floor, therefore, I can't use the program needed to do any of my daily work. So, I'm sending my thoughts out into the blog-o-sphere. Not that anyone really cares how I felt coming back into the City or how I spent my Saturday, but it's there if you want it. Enjoy.

Family-

Okay, so part two of my fabulous two weeks. I went home for the first time since Christmas - a much needed break from this city. So, I took Thursday - Monday off last week. While, I have taken a huge hit in the pay-day department, the chance to see my family and get back to my "comfort zone" was well worth it.

The traditional "cousins on the stairs" photo

See? Tradition -

Cousin, Adison, showing me her Easter Eggs

Kimberly, Katrina, Me, Laura Beth

Adison with Paisley (Katrina's dog)

Can you tell I spent a lot of time with a 2 year old? I wouldn't have it any other way!

Just some photos on this post - thoughts and feelings about my visit home and NYC coming soon --

Friends!

Alright, alright! I need to update! The past two weeks have been AMAZING!!! Two weeks ago (as you can see from the below post) some of my bestest friends came to visit the city (and me!) and I had a wonderful, but exhausting weekend with them! Of course, we couldn't see everything in the city, but we did hit some of the major sights! (Chinatown, Times Square, Central Park, FAO Schwartz, Tiffany's) : ) Because my words will do no justice to the weekend, I'll just throw some pictures down so you can see the fun that was had by all! (I hope!!)

Top: Mebane Friends out for the night in the East Village

Left: Elizabeth, Anna, and Sarah in the "van cab"

Right: Elizabeth, Ashley, Virginia at brunch in Midtown West

We found some pretty interesting people in Central Park -

Exo-facto.

Elizabeth, Sarah, and Ashley - so Vogue in the park!

It was so great having them here for the weekend. It was proof that NYC has the potential to be a fun place. You should all MOVE HERE!!! Yaaay!!!

Maybe, if I stay here, I could get a larger apartment, so we wouldn't have to sleep like this:

Come again soon, friends! I miss having you here!

Antsy!!

So, I'm sitting here in my apartment on a gloomy Saturday morning, but I'm so happy! A bus with 4 of my bestest friends is on its way to the city right now! I've been looking forward to this since January!!!! EeeeeEEE!!!

Though it will be a short weekend, I'm thrilled to have people in the city that I know and love - and those who understand what it's like to come from small towns : )

This week is going to be the best week.. My Mebane friends are coming RIGHT NOW - I only work 3 days next week, and then I'm on a plane headed back to NC for a long weekend! What a refreshing break that will be - to be back in a place where I'm comfortable, around people I love and people who understand me. I miss my family so much - I never had the transition period most do, when their first year at college is also their first year away from home and family. Hello? I could get from my front door to my dorm room in 18 minutes. (If I needed to - ha!) So, I never really had to sever the cord of close relationship with my parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Now, I'm having to do just that. I am away from everyone - and it's very hard. Especially when you tack on the responsibility of having to take care of myself too (emotionally, physically, and financially).

Though, I will admit, it's getting easier.

But, for now, I'm head-first into a wonderful weekend with home-town friends! I'll definitely post some of our adventures when it's all said and done : )

Until then, readers. Adieu!

What I love about New York: awesome friends visiting for the weekend!
What I hate about New York: Chinatown bus delays