I am in the dark place.

Dating Virginia: What are you looking for?

"So, what are you looking for?"

There are many questions that I cannot stand to be asked from potential suitors. "What are you looking for?" is at the top. I guess the biggest problem with this question is there is no easy answer. I understand the answers that people are looking for... you know, casual dating, a long term relationship, a friend, a sex partner, a husband, whatever.

Here's the issue I have: I just don't know. Do I want to get married someday? Sure! But, I'm not exactly looking for a husband right now, ya know? But, if that man happened to come into my life tomorrow, I don't think I would deny myself (or him) the opportunity to make a relationship happen. That being said, anyone that comes out saying "I'm looking for my future wife", I'm going to run in the opposite direction.

I mean, each person that comes into your life ultimately has a purpose, but if you begin by defining each person by a specific "job", then you will only wind up disappointed.

So, the answer. Here's what I'm looking for: I am looking for someone who will love me and respect me exactly as I am. Whether that person is a friend or a lover or a husband. Isn't that the same for us all? To be liked for who you are? Not as you were or for what you could be. Not smarter, or thinner, or with a smaller nose. Not taller, or shorter, with longer hair, and a less crazy family. Someone who bring mutual respect into a relationship (whatever space that relationship falls)

So there's the simple answer to a complicated question. I want to be liked just the way I am. Because, I'm pretty sure I'll always be just a little bit fat.

Fury and Irony

I was laid off.

Tuesday afternoon, I was 'let go' from my job. I can't even begin to explain the amount of anger and embarrassment I am feeling right now. Especially because the reason I was given for my dismissal was complete and utter fiction.

I know most of you, dear readers, don't know the details of my job, but I'm angry and need to get this out. I was told that my dismissal had everything to do with "performance and lateness".

Let's break it down. Performance: In the world of sales, I understand that numbers are a big determining factor in job performance. Now, I would be perfectly understanding if I had been slacking in my sales figures, but that wasn't the case. I was the top booker in my training class and had booked more than another person on my team (who, strangely, still has his job).

Second, Lateness: We were all told on day 1 of training that lateness would not be acceptable in this profession. While I have had issues in the past with being late (I don't doubt that) I had only been late ONE time to this job. The one time, happened to be on the day I was let go. But, I followed proper protocol, letting my manager know well in advance that I would be a few minutes late. Siting lateness as a reason for my dismissal is bullshit.

While I'm feeling lost and alone, I am mostly hurt and offended by those who I respected. I have lost respect for my manager - after he sat there and lied to me. It's unprofessional and unacceptable. I was let go because I had information about past publications that could have jeopardized the credibility of BTQ. I knew too much.

Will I do anything with the information? I haven't decided yet. But I am furious right now. I am hurt because I wasn't respected enough to be told the truth. I was discarded like a filthy piece of trash and it's not okay.

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While I feel like my life is in pieces (again), something ironic did happen today. Last week, I made my first truly selfish purchase. I had saved some of my commission money and decided to buy myself a piece of jewelry. But, the events of this week made me forget all about it. So, today, when a tiny box appeared on my doorstep from San Francisco, I was truly excited. I didn't realize how appropriate this piece of jewelry would be, but it's perfect.

A ring. A small ring, with a tiny gold wire band and a brushed silver oval top. Sounds simple, but what makes this ring truly wonderful are the tiny words etched on the top.

the journey is the reward

I will now have a daily reminder to not worry about what will happen in the future. But to constantly live in the present. The journey, not the destination, is the reward.

The photo (from the jeweler's website) doesn't do the ring justice. It's really small and dainty, the words almost hardly visible - certainly not something that could be seen from far away.

Funny how things happen, huh?

If you'd like to look at some of Jeanine Payer's jewelry (I love every piece!) visit her website HERE

Happy Anniversary, New York!

Yes, friends, New York and I have been together for 1 whole year. It's really unbelievable to me that an entire year has passed. But, I guess when you break it down, really think about it, a lot happened in this one year. I know it's trite to say, but I have really grown up in this year. I understand how difficult it can be to manage your own finances. I know now how important it is to take care of yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally. And I know how important it is to keep those that love you (and that you love) close to you (even when you're far away).

I spent last weekend in DC with my bestest friends and I realized that the only real reason I don't like living in New York is because I can't see them more often. It was ironic though... Sunday afternoon, I rode the bus from DC back to NYC - taking the exact same roads I had taken 1 year prior in a moving truck with my father. Seeing the New York City skyline in the distance reminded me of the mix of nervousness and excitement I had on that Saturday morning.

There were many times throughout this past year that I thought I couldn't handle New York anymore. There were times I seriously considered packing whatever I could in a suitcase and moving home. I don't know how many times I called home in tears, the pressure was just too much. But, I stuck it out and I am so happy I did. I am in a new apartment, with a new job - it almost feels like everything that was wrong with my life last year has faded away. Amazing.

I'm filled with excitement thinking about all there is to come in this next year. The fear and nervous anticipation has been replaced with optimism - there's nothing that can hit me this year that I can't get through. So, bring it on, New York! Give me all you got - I'm ready!