How to Make a Life

First:

Take everything you’ve ever learned and everything
You’ve yet to discover and place it in a box labeled Thank You.

Second:

Take a picture of your face and remember
That in many years time you will be amazed at how gorgeous you were.
Be amazed now.

Third:

Find someplace to live.
Make sure it has the ability to let light fall
Across the room in such a way that every so often,
You’ll stop and mouth the words “Ah, sunlight.”
Before you finish dusting the books.
Don’t let the books get dusty.
Open them and reread your favorite sentences
Or give the books away.

Fourth:

Fall in love.
Touch. More than you think.
Have a child if you want one.
If you don’t, don’t.
Let your child out into the world
Discovering for themselves just how magical
It is. Or it isn’t.
It’s theirs to decide.
Give your child a lot of books.

Fifth:

Get a job.
Remember this job is not who you are.
You get to open the silk door of You,
And decide, over and over, as many times as your socks,
Just who you are.
You get to say your own I am.

Sixth:

Do yoga.
Let your body discover what it’s like to move
without your brain holding it’s hand.
Tell your brain to take a hike.
Let your body believe fully in it’s own powers.
Let every person you’ve stored inside your muscles out every so often,
to breathe.

Lastly:

Do things that make you feel good.
Let your joy be contagious and spread through
Your home, your job, your children.
Let it spread through the world
Like a virus so that when you forget it,
Every so often, you’ll catch it from someone else.

- Jen Pastiloff

Quick updates!

Well, it's finally happened, I'm a full time employee! With benefits, paid vacation, the works! It took a while to get through the "process" of becoming full-time, but I remained patient and everything has worked out. So, it's official. I'm the Sales Coordinator at Solid State Logic :)

In other news, Craig was mad at me this morning because I apparently "slept crazy" last night, leaving him sleepless. Whatever, I had a dream he got me a box fan for my birthday. I woke up mad too. ;)

Old Wounds

Last year, I was contacted by a casting company for an upcoming show about those who planned weddings and, for whatever reason, didn't make it to the altar. I was contacted last May, almost one year after my relationship explosion. Though I had healed a lot, I still had a fresh, wide-open, wounded heart. I would have given anything to share the pain with someone else. Though, I will admit, that my motive for participating at the time was vindictive. I wanted everyone (especially him) to know that I was better off without him in my life - even so much as telling it on national TV. So, I shared my story with the casting director, we spoke for a very long time and I was excited that I would get the chance to share my experience.

Months went by and I heard nothing from the casting director. I assumed the project had been derailed and I had forgotten all about the days I shared my stories with that woman.

Until yesterday.

Yesterday, I received a call from a man in Los Angeles. He told me he worked with a production company and was wondering if I was still interested in being a part of the television show about "weddings that weren't". Instinctually, I said "Yes! Absolutely!" and took the man's information. He said they were in the process of determining who was still willing to participate and would be in touch with me soon about specifics.

In the 24 hours since that phone call, I've thought a lot about what I want to do. I haven't shared the news with many people (only 2 until now) because I wanted to take some time to get rid of the "OMG I might be on TV!!" feelings and really figure out if this is something that I want to do.

I've done a lot of healing in the past 20 months. I've experienced just about every emotion that a person possibly can. And though I know I haven't completely forgiven him, I've certainly moved on from having any thoughts about him whatsoever. I've come out of it with a large amount of emotional scarring, and I'm pretty sure I will always have trust issues with men. But, I've become a new person and believe it or not, I found I am still able to open my heart, become a little vulnerable, and let someone else in. It's slow, of course, but I have been reassured that it can happen to me.

So, would it be unwise to reopen some of those wounds and share them with a national audience? I'm really riding the fence with this one. Part of me feels that allowing myself to feel those emotions again will push me back into some of those old feelings; and I'll end up in places I swore I never wanted to revisit. Retelling my story will force me to relive it all again - to re-experience each and every detail. Do I want to do that? And, more importantly, am I strong enough to do that?

There's the other side, of course. Sharing my experience could help others who may be in the same situation. Right after it happened, I was humiliated. And as time went on, I encountered more and more people who had experienced something similar. I knew I wasn't alone. Also, I found that a lot of people didn't understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling. Feelings like humiliation and guilt were very prevalent during the whole ordeal and I was constantly asked "Why do you feel guilty? You did nothing wrong.." and I could never really explain where it was coming from. So, could I be someone that could help? Could I be that person that says, "It will be okay, I've been where you are. You will be okay."

Also, I wonder if I'm really a "success story" here - Am I what people would want to look to? Sure, I moved from small-town-North-Carolina to big-city-New-York and have made somewhat of a life for myself here, but I haven't exactly been "successful" (in the monetary sense). Still, I was in the "pit of despair" emotionally and found a way out of it. I became happy again, which is a success in itself.

So, I'm still deciding. Of course, a final decision doesn't have to be made yet because I still don't know the logistics of it all. I'll have to wait and see if I'm contacted again and determine if I will move forward with this project. But I'll ask you, dear readers. What do you think I should do?

Back in NYC

I'm back in New York. After over two weeks of "vacation" in North Carolina and Florida, I'm back in my "home" (at least, the home I have tried to create for myself in the city)

I spent every ounce of those two weeks surrounded. Family, friends, pets. By the time the second week rolled around, I was begging for time alone; sneaking off to be with my thoughts as often as I could. Ironic, isn't it? How I wish so often to be back in North Carolina immersed in an atmosphere of friendly banter, games, and time with the people I love most; and when I get the opportunity, I crave solitude. I guess I will eventually have to find a happy medium, but I have noticed that as I have grown, I have needed more time alone.

I'm sitting here tonight, curtains open, lounging in my chair with only the lights of New York and the computer screen glaring back at me. I'm hoping to see just a little bit of snow fall before I go to sleep. The sky is a rosy pink, a perfect preamble to the inevitable snowfall. From here, I can see snippets of other's lives in the city. Windows flicker with lights of a television, curtains are drawn for a day finished, office lights burn while sleepy employees continue to work. It's like each tiny window has a story. That's one of the things that makes New York City so exceptional. 9 million of us are squished into 30 square miles of space. We're literally "right on top of each other". Yet, each of us is able to make our own life. To be different in our own ways. Refreshing, isn't it?

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what my 2010 resolutions should be. Of course, I think it is important to keep my 2009 resolutions, because they are vital in maintaining a healthy life mentally and emotionally. But so far, I have been unable to come up with anything that I really want to work on. Of course, I need a job. (ANY job at this point) But, resoluting to have gainful employment seems silly. Shouldn't I always strive for that? Still, I'm going to run out of money before too long - employment is on the top of my list right now.

So, I have no resolutions at the moment. If I come up with something in the coming days, I'll keep you posted. But, for now, I think it's okay to continue the path I have set for myself and focus not on changing so much, but staying the same. Maybe I'm exactly where I am meant to be.

Final Resolution Check

I'm sitting on a 6th floor balcony facing the Gulf as I write this post. Yes, my family decided to take a post-Christmas vacation and we've been spending the week in St. Petersburg, Florida on Capri Isle.

The view from my grandmother's dock - Treasure Island, FL

I've been trying to force myself to not worry my mind with thoughts of joblessness or boys, and to try and relax this week. But, of course, I can never keep my mind still.

Isn't it funny how we think that just because the year changes that we have a clean slate? Like everything we've done and experienced goes away because it's a new year. Part of me wants to believe that's how it can be, but the other part knows the reality. The problems and issues we had on December 31st will still be there on January 1st. 2009 will become 2010 and everything will stay the same. I guess the ability to change is still there, and it's easier for some people to adapt new habits when there's talk about change in the air.

Normally, this would be the time I make my resolutions for the year, but I think I'm going to wait until tomorrow to really put it all out there. There's some thinking I have to do on that.

But, since the end of the year has now arrived, it's time to do the official 2009 resolution check. If you are a regular reader of this blog, you'd remember the original resolution post and the 6-month-check-up. So, here we go - let's see how I did this year.

Family: It has been a very difficult year for my family. My resolution with them was to make sure I was maintaining contact with all of them (including extended family) and to be certain they understood how much they mean to me. Never did I think that losing one of my favorite people would bring that closeness back to the family. The death of my grandfather and my dad's cancer diagnosis has given us an opportunity to know each other in a way I didn't think possible before. I hate the circumstances that forced this, but I'm appreciative to have such an amazing support system in place. I'm extremely fortunate to have such a wonderful family.

Independence: Man, I have certainly become more independent this year! In fact, I moved from an apartment in the East Village to one in Murray Hill by myself! (Yes, I did have a friend help me move my bed, but I did the rest!) It was one of those situations that I would have never had to worry about had I been in North Carolina, but this time, I had to step up and figure it out on my own. I've also spent more time figuring out what I want to do - not what other people would want. It's hard, to consider only myself and not others, but I'm getting better.

Friends: After leaving Ogilvy, I had less time to remain in contact with my friends from home (on gchat), that, I regret. But, moving to a new job and a new apartment, and meeting more people in the city, I'm really starting to form a friend network here. Of course, my friends from home will always hold a special place in my life and I hope they are always there.

In addition, I'm really starting to understand that I have a choice about what people I want in my life and ones that I do not. It seems so elementary, that we get to be selective about who we want to spend our time with - but it really took me a lot of courage to be able to tell people that I just wasn't interested in being their friend. It's probably some of the best things I've done.

Dating: If you read this blog, you know all about my dating life. Of course, I didn't come out of this year with a solid romantic relationship, but I feel like I came out with something a lot better - I have a better understanding of myself and what I need in a partner. I guess this whole dating thing has really been about self-discovery all along. I've met some great people, some creepy people, I've laughed until no sound came out, and I've cried. Best of all, I've made some great friends.

Professional: This is probably the worst part of this "review". After getting laid off in October and being jobless up until this point, I've been very discouraged in the professional realm. Hopefully, this will turn around in the coming weeks.

Selfishness: If you remember, I resoluted to be more selfish this year. To consider myself above others and to really focus on what I wanted out of life. I've made extra effort to say "no" when I don't want to do something and to push for what I want. It's a lifestyle change, yes. But, I think it's for the best. I've also gotten much better about articulating my feelings to people - to be able to say "you upset me" when I usually would keep to myself. "I like you" is another thing I've learned it's okay to say to people (when it's true)

I've come out of a shell this year. And, no matter what happens, 2009 will be the year I lived in New York City, the year my father was diagnosed with (and hopefully beat) cancer, the year I lost my dog, the year my grandfather died. It will be the year where I moved from a crappy apartment in the East Village to a wonderful place uptown. It will have been the year I sat on the beach in December trying to get as tan as this 70 degree weather will allow.

The sun has sunk beautifully into the reflective water and I'll be going to dinner with the family soon. So, while my 2010 resolutions are still coming, I wish you all a very happy new year. May 2010 be your best year yet!

Break the levee

I don't cry very often.

That may seem an unusual statement to a lot of you because I'm kind of a sap, but it's true. I don't cry very often. Sure, I feel like crying a lot; I often get that lump in my throat that begs to be soothed by giant puddles forming in my eyes, but I rarely allow it to come to fruition. Seriously, I get that feeling over the smallest things. A sappy commercial, phone calls from friends and family, books, special emails, seeing happy children in parks, and standing ovations at the end of performances. But, I've always found a way to keep it inside.

I was always the peacemaker in my family. Always the one that tried to patch things up when they weren't going smoothly, or when people fought. That's not to say that I never started anything (my siblings would attest to that!), but overall, since I was a young girl, being the rock was where I felt I belonged.

Because of that, I have often kept my feelings to myself, hid my emotion during tough times and instead helped others through their pain. And, it seems, that because of my "need to be strong for every one else", I have isolated myself and find myself alone.

I cry alone.

Last week, a North Carolina man by the name of Dick Carson died. He had a malignant tumor that was found too late. A member of the Elon church where my mother works (and where my family attends service on the regular), my family knew Mr. Carson well. During my father's last chemotherapy treatment, he sat next to Mr. Carson, both receiving a slow medicated cocktail to cure their deadly disease. Today, my father went in for his last chemo treatment of 2009, Dick Carson, of course, was not there.

I spoke to my mother this week on the phone, she said: "Your father was pretty upset at the funeral home today. I guess it's hard to have someone sit next to you during your chemo, and be dead by your next treatment." I agreed, holding back that lump that started to rise in my throat.

This past weekend, my brother and his girlfriend, Tara, came to visit. Coincidentally, his girlfriend's mother lives across the street from me here in New York, so the four of us spent a lot of time together. Tara lost her father to leukemia when she was a little girl. Friday night, I sat in the living room across the street and talked with her mother, and she spoke casually about losing her husband. "He got really sick really fast," she said, "and it was good that he was able to come home for a few days before he died, spend some time with the children, and get his affairs in order." And casually continued, "You're lucky that your dad has felt well enough to do the same."

It stung. Bad. I think I've always understood that this disease will ultimately take my father. But, never have I heard it said in such a casual way. And not once since he was diagnosed have I really considered that my father could take a turn for the worse at any day. I need to bring myself to accept the reality of the situation, but it's been so much easier to hide behind the "silver lining". I seem to be doing that a lot as of late.

I guess the culmination of things people have said over the past few days just hit me at once. And I let myself cry.

Trying to heal...

Exactly two months ago, my grandfather drew in his final breaths as my family members looked on, held hands, and cried. I wasn't there.

I haven't dealt with it. Losing him. In fact, I don't think I have said aloud "My grandfather died." I realized lately that I'm very hypocritical. I talk all the time about how it's best to face your problems, deal with them, and put them behind you. But, here I am, avoiding it all. I haven't dealt with and accepted his death. And, it makes sense, psychologically. I haven't had to deal with it. I stayed away, I didn't talk to my family members, I didn't talk about it at all. When I don't talk about it or think about it, it doesn't hurt as much. But, I know that if I don't try, if I don't start on a path to acceptance, I'll never be able to be myself again.

Have you ever had to say goodbye to someone you know you'd never see again? It ranks up there with the top 3 hardest things I've ever had to do. On Labor Day weekend, I went to North Carolina to celebrate my grandfather's 80th birthday. And, before having to rush to the airport, I had to tell my grandfather goodbye knowing that he wouldn't be alive the next time I came into town. I knew all weekend that I would have to say my final words to him and I spent many hours thinking of the perfect thing to say, but when the time came, I failed. I could hardly say anything. I did manage to take his hand and choke out, "Goodbye, Pop. I love you." To which he replied, "Love ya, girlie. Let us know when you get back in the city. Be safe, gal."

There hasn't been a single day since then that I haven't regretted not being able to tell him how much I love him. I should have spent more time with him that weekend. I should have asked my family to give us some time alone so that I could tell him everything, but 5 words was all I could do. How is it possible that when it really counted, I could only come up with 5 words?! Normally, all I have is words. I'm ashamed.

So, I have decided that the thing I really need is to get out those words that are inside of me. Like I had done before, I am going to write a letter. Here is an open letter to my grandfather: the greatest man I will ever know. (Editing note: It took me 7 hours, 1 roll of toilet paper, 1 glass of wine, and 6 glasses of water to write this letter.)

Pop,

I miss you. I miss you every single day. And I'm so sorry I couldn't tell you what I was feeling when we were together last. But, I hope throughout the years, I told you enough that I love you. I hope that you always knew how much I respected you, how much I valued your opinion and how much I really needed and relied on your wisdom. I hope you know that I wasn't lying when I told you that I enjoyed spending hours at your house even if it was just sitting and watching tv with you.

And, I'm sorry - I'm sorry for all the times I didn't call, for the times I said I'd stop by and I never made it. I'm sorry for not being there with you in this past year, especially toward the end. For that, I'm eternally sorry.

I need you now. I need your advice, I need your encouragement. I feel so lost and I need you to tell me what to do.. or I at least need you to tell me that it's okay for me to not know what to do. The world, my world, feels empty without you here.

I can't hear you like I can hear others I've lost. I constantly hear my Dinnie's voice in my head every time I go outside with wet hair. "Dry your hair," she'd say. "You'll catch your death-a-cold going out with your hair soakin' wet." But, I can't hear you. Why can't I hear you?

I want to be like you. To be wise and successful and hard-working. I want to value fairness as you always had. I want to have your amazing ability to stand up for what is good and right and to expect to be treated with respect. You make me want to be the best. You cared for people; you genuinely cared. And not even people you knew, you cared and respected everyone you ever came across. You thought the same of the man who empties the trash as you did the CEO of that same company. To you, hard working people were all the same. No matter what job they had.

I'm angry. I hate that you're gone. I hate that you had to be taken away from me, from us. And I hate me for feeling sorry for myself. I'm selfish, I know, but I guess I just don't understand. Why? Why couldn't God, the fates, the pull of the universe, or whatever determines what happens just leave us alone for a while? Why you? Why now?

I know your body had failed you. I can't imagine the insurmountable amount of pain you must have been in. You were strong, unbelievably strong. And I, weak.. embarrassingly weak. Even now, I am feeling stupid and powerless because I'm having such a hard time letting you go. Everyone keeps telling me that you're not really gone, that you're always with me. But I can't feel you, I feel nothing, I'm alone.

I learned so much from you.

I thank you for being such an amazing individual. You were wonderful. You taught us all how to love, how to keep your heart open but when to know to close it. You taught us see the difference and know when to walk away and when to keep trying. You're an inspiration. And, if you're out there, in spirit or heart, maybe you can hear my thoughts or are looking down on me. If you are, please reach out to me, because I need you now. I need to feel you, I need to have you in my life. I'm trying to make my life right again and I need you to somehow be in that life again. I know I can't completely let you go.

I know this is probably mostly incoherent and incongruent and just a messy, messy set of words, but it feels nice to finally "pour my heart out" (if you'll allow the bad expression).

I love you, I miss you, we all do. I hope you knew how amazing you were.

Always,

V

Fury and Irony

I was laid off.

Tuesday afternoon, I was 'let go' from my job. I can't even begin to explain the amount of anger and embarrassment I am feeling right now. Especially because the reason I was given for my dismissal was complete and utter fiction.

I know most of you, dear readers, don't know the details of my job, but I'm angry and need to get this out. I was told that my dismissal had everything to do with "performance and lateness".

Let's break it down. Performance: In the world of sales, I understand that numbers are a big determining factor in job performance. Now, I would be perfectly understanding if I had been slacking in my sales figures, but that wasn't the case. I was the top booker in my training class and had booked more than another person on my team (who, strangely, still has his job).

Second, Lateness: We were all told on day 1 of training that lateness would not be acceptable in this profession. While I have had issues in the past with being late (I don't doubt that) I had only been late ONE time to this job. The one time, happened to be on the day I was let go. But, I followed proper protocol, letting my manager know well in advance that I would be a few minutes late. Siting lateness as a reason for my dismissal is bullshit.

While I'm feeling lost and alone, I am mostly hurt and offended by those who I respected. I have lost respect for my manager - after he sat there and lied to me. It's unprofessional and unacceptable. I was let go because I had information about past publications that could have jeopardized the credibility of BTQ. I knew too much.

Will I do anything with the information? I haven't decided yet. But I am furious right now. I am hurt because I wasn't respected enough to be told the truth. I was discarded like a filthy piece of trash and it's not okay.

___________________________________________

While I feel like my life is in pieces (again), something ironic did happen today. Last week, I made my first truly selfish purchase. I had saved some of my commission money and decided to buy myself a piece of jewelry. But, the events of this week made me forget all about it. So, today, when a tiny box appeared on my doorstep from San Francisco, I was truly excited. I didn't realize how appropriate this piece of jewelry would be, but it's perfect.

A ring. A small ring, with a tiny gold wire band and a brushed silver oval top. Sounds simple, but what makes this ring truly wonderful are the tiny words etched on the top.

the journey is the reward

I will now have a daily reminder to not worry about what will happen in the future. But to constantly live in the present. The journey, not the destination, is the reward.

The photo (from the jeweler's website) doesn't do the ring justice. It's really small and dainty, the words almost hardly visible - certainly not something that could be seen from far away.

Funny how things happen, huh?

If you'd like to look at some of Jeanine Payer's jewelry (I love every piece!) visit her website HERE

The Guilty Party

"Are you sure you're not Catholic? You seem to have a lot of Catholic guilt..."

It was a random comment in a jesting conversation between my roommate and me. Though I laughed it off, saying "Ha! Maybe so!" it didn't come back to me until today. I never really thought of it so directly before, but I do harbor a lot of guilt.

I feel guilty when a man holds a door open for me when he can see me down the hallway. I feel the need to rush toward the door so he doesn't have to stand there for very long.

I feel guilty if someone buys me a drink. Or if someone buys me food. I have a hard time accepting gifts.

I feel guilt when I have to ask someone to help me. And we all know how the guilt was overwhelming last fall - when really, I didn't do anything wrong in the relationship...

So where does this come from? I wouldn't categorize it as selflessness because it causes more of a self-pain and an obnoxious after-effect. Weird. I don't think I learned it from family members - there isn't really anyone else I know that has such a strong guilt-pull.

Last week, I sent an email out to my family members asking them to help me network so I could try to find some other employment opportunities. Genius, some said... but I couldn't help feel the tiny twinge of guilt after sending it. Why? They're my family! They wouldn't get upset because I asked them to talk to some people... still - there it lies. I don't get it! Ugh. I obviously need a therapist.

Part of my New Year's Resolution was to understand that it is okay to ask for help and that there are plenty of people out there that WANT to help (just as I would) but I still have a very hard time letting go and saying "could you do this for me?"

Well, half the battle is understanding that you have a problem, right? There it is, blog: I have a guilty complex.

D-Day

So, yesterday, 7/7/09 was my D-Day. No, not the invasion of Normandy (That was June 6th) - but Decision Day. It was the day I had selected months ago for the deadline to make a decision about what I wanted to do next year. And I have decided.

I want to stay in New York City.

It feels a lot better now that I have decided what I want to do. But, the decision is not the hardest part. The big question now is this: HOW am I going to stay in New York City? And that, my friends, is a very difficult question.

I think I ultimately made the decision to stay here a few weeks ago, and when I happily shared the news with my mother this weekend (who was visiting with my sister), she didn't exactly have the best reaction.

Essentially, she gave my "reality" a swift kick in the balls. (We're going to pretend that "reality" is a man. After all, "reality" is kind of a jerk) "That's great," she responded, "can you afford to do that?" What? Where's my "You go girl!"?? My silver-lining? Geez, mom!

While her question was completely legit, and very "mom-like", it threw me into a tail-spin. Suddenly, everything was clearer to me. I'm not in a permanent job, I'm not making nearly enough money to get an apartment, not to mention that I owe my roommate a ba-jillion dollars for my CURRENT apartment! Why in the hell do I think that this is something that can seriously be done?

I was consumed with my own thoughts for most of the past 2-3 days, still taking my mom and sister around the city, trying so hard to get them to like it as much as I've started to. We were almost to Union Square on Sunday afternoon when I stopped. Above me, there were 5 jets flying in a perfect line across the sky. "A little late for 4th of July," I mused. But, I quickly noticed that they weren't just doing a fly-over, no, this line of jets was etching something into the sky. "SKY WRITING!" my sister noticed. "Whoever CUNNING.COM is must have a lot of money to burn," my mom commented.

Though it didn't really phase me for most of the day (a day spent in Central Park and 5th Avenue), I still had a nagging feeling about it when I got home. "What is cunning.com?" I typed it directly into Google (my best friend) and I was shocked to find that Cunning is an ad agency located in NYC and London, that specializes in branding and guerrilla marketing.. What? That's exactly what I want to do! How is it that 5 jets write the name of an ad agency that I would love to work for in the sky at the exact time I was walking to the park? 10 minutes later, I would have been in the subway, completely oblivious to the cloudy message. A sign from God. "It has to be!" I thought. So, I immediately started drafting an email saying that I saw their message in the sky, loved their devotion to branding and told them that I would love to hear about any employment opportunities that may be available. Attach resume. Send.

I was so excited the next day. This was all going to work out so well! What a story I would have to tell - "What a cool business card! How did you find your amazing job?" people would ask me. "It was written in the sky," is all I'd say. Man, this was going to be great! My elation was soon halted when I got back home Monday night to find an email from Cunning saying "We're all staffed up, but we'll keep you on file!" Well, damn. There went my awesome story, my hopes, my dreams. After that, I began wondering - was my "sign from God" just a stupid coincidence? I am trying so hard to keep faith and know that I will ultimately be put where I'm "supposed" to be. But, am I misreading the signs?

_____________________________________________

Yesterday, I experienced a panic-attack inducing moment when I went to get some money out of the ATM so I could wash the sheets and towels that were used over the weekend by my visiting family. A twenty dollar bill popped out of the machine along with a receipt showing me the balance of my account.

Available Balance: $0.00

Oh.My.GOD. ZERO DOLLARS? How is that even possible? I know I was low because my rent check was just cashed, but ZERO!? How could I have been that irresponsible this month?? Then, my mother's words stung me again. I'm not going to be able to stay here. I can't afford to stay here. So what do I do? I'm desperately needing more money from a job (any job) but taking a second job isn't really an option here either. So what do I do???

My mind has been working overtime - almost making it impossible to do anything at all (except get a headache) What if these are my signs? What if the signs that I've been searching for, the ones that were going to tell me that everything will eventually get better, are really the things that are making it so hard for me. Could I be misunderstanding what is being shown? Am I being continually tested? Are the frequent obstacles really telling me not to live here because it's not supposed to be what is for me? Or am I just really over-thinking this?

A letter to me.

Last week, a website that I frequent (TheFrisky) posted a blurb about a submission to The Guardian by a man named Stephen Fry. He wrote a letter to his 16-year-old self. He penned:

"Tears splash on to my keyboard now. I am perhaps happier now than I have ever been and yet I cannot but recognize that I would trade all that I am to be you, the eternally unhappy, nervous, wild, wondering and despairing 16-year-old Stephen: angry, angst-ridden and awkward but alive. Because you know how to feel, and knowing how to feel is more important than how you feel. Deadness of soul is the only unpardonable crime, and if there is one thing happiness can do it is mask deadness of soul."

The writers of The Frisky then prompted readers to write their own letters to their 16-year-old selves. The responses were astounding - so many people penned their own letters, revealing heartache, pain, triumphs, success, but one thing was common among all... the idea that things will get better. So, I thought that this experiment could be fun to do blog-style. I wrote a letter to 16 year old me and I'd like to share.

Dear 16-year-old Virginia,

You live in New York City! Don’t laugh at me… you do!

Know that it’s cool to be smart. Soak up all of the knowledge you can - read the books for English, some of them are actually good! And, it will help keep your stress levels down about those "pop quizzes"! Understand that even though you’re not in the “popular” crowd now, your crowd will be the one a lot of people envy after college. Those friends you’ve had since elementary school will still be the best friends you will ever have. Understand that no matter what is done or said, they will always be there for you. Use them, rely on them - they are your strength. And, be there for them in return.. always.

I know you feel like you have to please everybody all of the time - but, realize that it's okay to upset people sometimes. There's no way to make everybody happy - just make yourself happy - the ones that matter will be content with just that.

The family is the greatest thing you will have in life - the relationships (and friendships) you build with them are priceless - you’ll find they’re actually really cool.

You’ll like your sister, eventually. Yes, really.

When it comes to relationships, I wouldn’t want to stray you away from what actually happens because valuable character building occurs during those times - but trust your heart. Stay attuned to the red flags and most importantly, don’t punish yourself for something you couldn’t control.

In college, go crazy - Go out and have fun, stay up all night, drink too much, and make friends with everyone you meet. That way, you won’t feel like you wasted 4 years of precious time waiting for your life to start. Start now.

Though I can’t say that “everything is perfect now!”—Do know this: you are coming into a time in your life where things will be confusing and nightmarish, but you are stronger than you think. Laugh often and surround yourself with people you love. If you do that.. nothing can go wrong.

You’re cool, but don’t dye your hair so much - you’ll ruin it.

Love,

The cooler, 23-year-old, you.

So, now I challenge you, few readers - what would you say to your 16-year-old self? Feel free to leave your letters in the comments, or email them to me - I'll post them anonymously if you so choose.