Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Dreaming ---

I really wish I had reasons to wear dresses like this:

It's an Alexander McQueen RTW embroidered tulle gown with silk lining - I bet it feels like heaven. I guess at $1,998.00 (marked down from $12,915.00) it should feel like heaven. Ahhh... Now, I'll just dream of luxurious gowns and beautiful parties.

Monday, April 27, 2009

A diagnosis.

My father has leukemia.

It's a statement that doesn't get less strange each time I say it. My father has leukemia. It's called Chronic Lymphocitic Leukemia (CLL) It's a blood cancer, where the healthy blood stem cells develop abnormal lymphocytes and don't become white blood cells. In turn, people with CLL don't fight infection as a normally healthy person would. This, actually, explains why my father has been continually sick (unable to fight off even the smallest infection) for an entire year. With this type of cancer, the lymphocytes increase in the blood and bone marrow, which leaves less room for healthy white and red blood cells.

While it's a strange concept to me, this type of Leukemia is the most common type for adults. And, the chances of developing this type of cancer increases with being white, male, and over 50.

In the "Leukemia and Lymphoma" world, this type of cancer is known as the "watch and wait" cancer because treatment is postponed until the chromosomal mutations occur. So, depending on how long my father has had this cancer (without knowing) will determine when treatment will begin. (I'll know on Thursday how advanced his case is)

It's such an odd thought - knowing that the blood that is running through my father's veins is contaminated. The very thing that is keeping him alive is also killing him. Irony. heh.

In truth, I feel numb about the whole thing. When telling people of this diagnosis, the words sound like lies coming out of my mouth -- in a way that I haven't convinced myself that it's real. Not that cancer is something that is extremely rare in my family, but just that it's my father - MY FATHER! My father, who is caring and kind, witty, and a bit of a smart-ass. The man who can find humor in any situation. The one who can fix anything. My father has leukemia.

Of course, it's difficult for me being away from my family during this time - but what is more difficult is trying to talk to them about it. It's like my family has gone in to "Crisis Communications mode channeled by Mr. Rogers". I understand that they want to paint a pretty picture of the situation to help us all feel better - and I understand that until we know what the treatment will be (and when it will begin) there's not much reason to be completely engulfed in emotion, but feel SOMETHING, please?! I can handle crisis. I can be upset and still be okay - but it seems that my family is trying to protect me from feeling anything with this diagnosis.

Call me crazy (and some have) but I think that it's okay to be upset, it's okay to be scared - in fact, it's probably healthy to feel that way. But why can't my mother and father admit that they're scared? I'd rather know that they're worried than to get the "Oh we're fine! Don't be upset, we're all just fine!" when I know it's not completely true.

The thought of one day losing my father was something I wanted to bury in the back of my mind for many many years - now, the realization that my father will eventually be taken by cancer is in the forefront. I understand that he's got time - depending on the diagnosis and treatment, he could live 30 or 40 more years! (This, is what I'm hoping for) But it's still crippling to imagine a life without him in it. I don't want to.

For now, I will continue to pray for his heath (both physically and emotionally) and do whatever I can to help him in this journey - it's going to be a long one.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


Last night, I woke up every 2 hours -- just like the night before. Something is unstable within me.

Monday, April 20, 2009

The Let-down

This past week/weekend was my first in "back to normal" state here in the city. I thought that it would be a welcome relief - to get back into my normal routine, but what I found instead was a letdown of massive proportions. When I was home for Christmas, I felt a huge weight lifted when I got back into the city after the new year. I was back to anonymity, back to being on my own. But this time, I didn't feel the same enjoyment. I felt sadness - sadness about being back in the "concrete jungle" - knowing that I would go back to being alone in the masses. I knew that as I made the trek from airport to apartment, I wouldn't run into someone I knew and no one would be waiting for me to return.

My sadness upon return quickly morphed into another emotion altogether - I was angry! Angry at what? Specifically, I don't know. I just know that Tuesday-Friday of this past week, I was surly... I didn't snap at people, and outwardly, I'm not sure if anyone could tell that I was fuming on the inside - but still, I didn't feel content. I thought maybe it was the weather... since I had just spent the weekend enjoying 70 degree days, complete with sandals and sundresses, then came back to 40 degree rainy days. Gross.

Ultimately, I'm sure my malcontent came from many different sources... the weather, my family's absence, friends no longer coming to visit, being alone in my apartment, nothing good on tv, and no upcoming plans to look forward to. Still, it makes me wonder if my feelings of coming back to the city are a sign of misplacement. Is New York City not where I'm supposed to be?

Maybe I'm putting too much of my thoughts and plans into the "fate" category. I guess because I tried so hard to plan my life according to what I wanted before, and watched it all crumble around me, that I feel that there's no use in fighting what is meant to be. But at what point does allowing what is "meant to be" become laziness? Am I doing myself a disservice by not trying to take control of every situation? Or am I simply giving up control as a way of coping with the past?

Ugh. I think too much.

On Saturday, NYC experienced it's first spring-feeling day of the year. Because of the 70-degree weather, I, like everyone else in Manhattan, decided to spend some time in Central Park - laying in the grass, reading, and taking some walks. I always enjoy Central Park - it's large enough to surround yourself with nature so that you don't feel like you're in the city, but crowded enough so you don't feel alone. On Saturday, Central Park felt more like a Festival of sorts, with all of the people hanging around, groups performing for the masses, and the vendors walking around selling hot dogs and sodas. But, it was nice to see a different side of this city. The photo above is the Jackie O. Reservoir, tucked right in the center of Central Park. (sorry about the quality, taken by camera phone - and crappy camera phone at that!) The buildings seen are on the Upper East Side.
I wanted to go to a different section of the park than I normally frequent, and I'm really glad I did. I saw an entirely new image of the Park - one that is rocky and trail-like instead of the section set for a movie-scene. (as seen to the left - photo not by me) Though, I will admit, I love the mall area of the park. My favorite passage is seen here, with the windy trees making a canopy over the walkway. It's just beautiful, I could walk up and down the path for hours. I eventually met up with Carrie and Ryan in the Park (at a section known as "Sheep Meadow")

After leaving the park, I went to the grocery store at Union Square and lugged all of my groceries 11 blocks back to my apartment. I made myself some dinner, watched some TV, then met Carrie and Ryan downtown at a bar for one of their friends' birthday party. It was a wasted attempt to make some friends, since not a single other person spoke to me (besides Ryan and Carrie) - what is it about people in this city? They don't really like to reach out of their comfort zones. Once a friend circle is made, it is rarely breached. So I went home alone (I'm getting pretty tired of that), read a bit, and went to sleep.

I basically slept all day on Sunday, waking to read a bit, then falling asleep again. It felt like a wasted day, but I probably needed it - to catch up on the lack of sleep I sustained over the past 2 weeks.

Currently, I'm at work - but the server is down on our floor, therefore, I can't use the program needed to do any of my daily work. So, I'm sending my thoughts out into the blog-o-sphere. Not that anyone really cares how I felt coming back into the City or how I spent my Saturday, but it's there if you want it. Enjoy.

Sunday, April 19, 2009


Okay, so part two of my fabulous two weeks. I went home for the first time since Christmas - a much needed break from this city. So, I took Thursday - Monday off last week. While, I have taken a huge hit in the pay-day department, the chance to see my family and get back to my "comfort zone" was well worth it.
The traditional "cousins on the stairs" photo

Add Image
See? Tradition -

Cousin, Adison, showing me her Easter Eggs

Kimberly, Katrina, Me, Laura Beth

Adison with Paisley (Katrina's dog)

Can you tell I spent a lot of time with a 2 year old? I wouldn't have it any other way!

Just some photos on this post - thoughts and feelings about my visit home and NYC coming soon --

Saturday, April 18, 2009


Alright, alright! I need to update! The past two weeks have been AMAZING!!! Two weeks ago (as you can see from the below post) some of my bestest friends came to visit the city (and me!) and I had a wonderful, but exhausting weekend with them! Of course, we couldn't see everything in the city, but we did hit some of the major sights! (Chinatown, Times Square, Central Park, FAO Schwartz, Tiffany's) : ) Because my words will do no justice to the weekend, I'll just throw some pictures down so you can see the fun that was had by all! (I hope!!)

Top: Mebane Friends out for the night in the East Village
Left: Elizabeth, Anna, and Sarah in the "van cab"
Right: Elizabeth, Ashley, Virginia at brunch in Midtown West

We found some pretty interesting people in Central Park -


Elizabeth, Sarah, and Ashley - so Vogue in the park!

It was so great having them here for the weekend. It was proof that NYC has the potential to be a fun place. You should all MOVE HERE!!! Yaaay!!!

Maybe, if I stay here, I could get a larger apartment, so we wouldn't have to sleep like this:

Come again soon, friends! I miss having you here!

Saturday, April 4, 2009


So, I'm sitting here in my apartment on a gloomy Saturday morning, but I'm so happy! A bus with 4 of my bestest friends is on its way to the city right now! I've been looking forward to this since January!!!! EeeeeEEE!!!

Though it will be a short weekend, I'm thrilled to have people in the city that I know and love - and those who understand what it's like to come from small towns : )

This week is going to be the best week.. My Mebane friends are coming RIGHT NOW - I only work 3 days next week, and then I'm on a plane headed back to NC for a long weekend! What a refreshing break that will be - to be back in a place where I'm comfortable, around people I love and people who understand me. I miss my family so much - I never had the transition period most do, when their first year at college is also their first year away from home and family. Hello? I could get from my front door to my dorm room in 18 minutes. (If I needed to - ha!) So, I never really had to sever the cord of close relationship with my parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Now, I'm having to do just that. I am away from everyone - and it's very hard. Especially when you tack on the responsibility of having to take care of myself too (emotionally, physically, and financially).

Though, I will admit, it's getting easier.

But, for now, I'm head-first into a wonderful weekend with home-town friends! I'll definitely post some of our adventures when it's all said and done : )

Until then, readers. Adieu!

What I love about New York: awesome friends visiting for the weekend!
What I hate about New York: Chinatown bus delays