Daughter, Once Removed

I spent my entire life surrounded and encompassed by family members. Massive amounts of family members. Never was it just my brother and sister, mother and father. There was always an aunt, uncle, cousin, or grandparent. Always.

Until now.

A lot of my first year in New York was spent remaining in constant contact with those I love the most. But, in the past 6 months, communication has dwindled. In fact, communication at all is rare. Of course, many things have happened that could account for the lack of conversation. My grandfather's death, my father's cancer, and my general unemployment are all things that are just too difficult to talk about; and since those things encompass 80% of my life, there's not much else to speak of. It's my own fault, really. I didn't have good news to share, so I stopped sharing everything. I stopped calling, I stopped asking, and in turn, I stopped getting called, I stopped getting asked.

Most of the time, I coast along on general apathy, not bothering to worry too much about my future. I am accepting the fact that what is to happen will happen and I accept that. I apply for jobs and continue to look for things to open up doors for me, but the stress of constantly worrying about it became too much, so I stopped.

Yet, on nights like tonight, I feel the pressure. The pressure of my life and the unknown feels like being too far underwater. My chest gets tight, my muscles tense, and I long for the comforts I once knew. I miss the comfort of my room at home, just across the hall from my parents. I miss the closeness of my grandparents, knowing that I could see them in 5 minutes if I wanted to. I miss being the daughter, sister, cousin, granddaughter, niece I used to be. I miss the all-knowing family I had. I never had to tell about my problems, they just knew. Things were easy.

I guess it's part of growing up. I've had to remove myself from my close-knit family in order to find out who I really am. Have I figured that out yet? Certainly not. But, I'm trying. And maybe I'm getting closer. Maybe.

Rain, Rain, You Can Stay

There is a thunderstorm in New York City tonight. It reminds me of summer nights as warm storms would roll across the Carolinas. Half of me misses those humid Carolina nights, but the other half is so excited for spring and summer in New York. I'm sure years down the road, I'll sit on a porch listening to the rain and have happy memories of New York City rainstorms.

Time for me to complain...

I cant even begin to describe the disappointment I'm feeling right now. You know when you're so excited for something only to find that it's not happening? That kind of let down, like having to cancel your pool party due to a hurricane.

Weeks ago, I had an interview scheduled for a Field Merchandising Coordinator position with Radley London. After it being cancelled due to Snowmageddon 2010 and scheduled 2 weeks later, I have just been informed that my interview (tomorrow) has been cancelled again. No, not weather related, put simply, the position has been put "on hold".

I think the fact that I'm not going to get the chance to interview for this job is worse than going to the interview and not getting the position. At least I would known that the job wasn't a good fit and I could move on to something else. But I had very high hopes for this job. "My perfect job". And now I can't have it.

So, it's back to the drawing board for me. For now, I'll continue to temp and apply for jobs as I have been for the past 18 months.

I just wish at some point something would come through for me. I've paid my dues, I've been patient. It's time for something to come my way.