Friday, February 26, 2010

Old Wounds

Last year, I was contacted by a casting company for an upcoming show about those who planned weddings and, for whatever reason, didn't make it to the altar. I was contacted last May, almost one year after my relationship explosion. Though I had healed a lot, I still had a fresh, wide-open, wounded heart. I would have given anything to share the pain with someone else. Though, I will admit, that my motive for participating at the time was vindictive. I wanted everyone (especially him) to know that I was better off without him in my life - even so much as telling it on national TV. So, I shared my story with the casting director, we spoke for a very long time and I was excited that I would get the chance to share my experience.

Months went by and I heard nothing from the casting director. I assumed the project had been derailed and I had forgotten all about the days I shared my stories with that woman.

Until yesterday.

Yesterday, I received a call from a man in Los Angeles. He told me he worked with a production company and was wondering if I was still interested in being a part of the television show about "weddings that weren't". Instinctually, I said "Yes! Absolutely!" and took the man's information. He said they were in the process of determining who was still willing to participate and would be in touch with me soon about specifics.

In the 24 hours since that phone call, I've thought a lot about what I want to do. I haven't shared the news with many people (only 2 until now) because I wanted to take some time to get rid of the "OMG I might be on TV!!" feelings and really figure out if this is something that I want to do.

I've done a lot of healing in the past 20 months. I've experienced just about every emotion that a person possibly can. And though I know I haven't completely forgiven him, I've certainly moved on from having any thoughts about him whatsoever. I've come out of it with a large amount of emotional scarring, and I'm pretty sure I will always have trust issues with men. But, I've become a new person and believe it or not, I found I am still able to open my heart, become a little vulnerable, and let someone else in. It's slow, of course, but I have been reassured that it can happen to me.

So, would it be unwise to reopen some of those wounds and share them with a national audience? I'm really riding the fence with this one. Part of me feels that allowing myself to feel those emotions again will push me back into some of those old feelings; and I'll end up in places I swore I never wanted to revisit. Retelling my story will force me to relive it all again - to re-experience each and every detail. Do I want to do that? And, more importantly, am I strong enough to do that?

There's the other side, of course. Sharing my experience could help others who may be in the same situation. Right after it happened, I was humiliated. And as time went on, I encountered more and more people who had experienced something similar. I knew I wasn't alone. Also, I found that a lot of people didn't understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling. Feelings like humiliation and guilt were very prevalent during the whole ordeal and I was constantly asked "Why do you feel guilty? You did nothing wrong.." and I could never really explain where it was coming from. So, could I be someone that could help? Could I be that person that says, "It will be okay, I've been where you are. You will be okay."

Also, I wonder if I'm really a "success story" here - Am I what people would want to look to? Sure, I moved from small-town-North-Carolina to big-city-New-York and have made somewhat of a life for myself here, but I haven't exactly been "successful" (in the monetary sense). Still, I was in the "pit of despair" emotionally and found a way out of it. I became happy again, which is a success in itself.

So, I'm still deciding. Of course, a final decision doesn't have to be made yet because I still don't know the logistics of it all. I'll have to wait and see if I'm contacted again and determine if I will move forward with this project. But I'll ask you, dear readers. What do you think I should do?

1 comment:

Laura Beth Zint said...

I definitely see how sharing the experience could bring back those emotions, the pain and the guilt. It's definitely a risk you would be taking. On the other hand, look how far you've come! Do i think you will relapse into a dark place like you were after it happened just by telling your story? No. You're too strong for that. Think of how much it would have comforted you, made you realize that this feeling wont last forever, if you had been flipping through the channels and saw someone sharing your same story. You wouldn't have felt as alone and would see that yes, down the road, maybe not right away, you are better off. You could offer that comfort you didn't have to someone else. By telling the story you may alert someone to suspicious feelings they are having in their relationship and maybe save them from going through what you did at all. The point of the show i'm sure isn't to humiliate the ex or to make some national slander against them, so if given the opportunity, i think you should pursue it. God puts opportunities in our lives for a reason, and if this one comes back for a second time, go for it. I know you'll make the best decision for you, and if i'm right, i bet you already know in your heart what you want to do.