Monday, December 22, 2008

10 million people on 10 miles of island...

There's a strange thing about living in a large city - with so many people living in such a concentrated area, it is amazing how a person can still feel so alone.  I guess it is very true that quantity of contact does not compare to quality of contact.  I come in contact with hundreds of people every day.  On the L train alone, I pile on a single subway car with hundreds of people on it - and these things are not built for hundreds, I'll tell you that. 

I'm finding that is very hard to make friends here. Sure, I've gone to parties and met some new people, but for the most part, I'm left to the side while people reminisce about the past (since they already know each other).   I guess, it's kind of like the Zoloft mascot. 

It is difficult for me to fathom this life I have now.  This time last year, I was on top of the world... I had just finished finals, was getting married in six months, and I was surrounded by friends and family.  I was happy and content with my life and could easily imagine my life in 5 or 10 years.  Now, I spend most of my time by myself, within my own thoughts.. I cook meals for one.  I can't imagine what my life will be in 6 months - let alone 5 years.  

I guess the problem is that I really don't have anything to look forward to.  I don't look forward to going to work (I have what may be the most boring job I've ever experienced), I don't have anything to look forward to when leaving work (going to sleep that night?? exciting... pssh) and even finishing out the week - most of the time I have no plans for the weekend and no one to make any plans with.  Of course, I'm really looking forward to being with my family and my friends - but these days are going by so slow.

I hate complaining, and I really feel like all I do is speak poorly of living in New York, but I do like it.  There's an energy about the city that makes it exciting.  I'm just saying that I have a lot of healing and self realization to do.  I really want to enjoy myself again - to have some confidence and assurance about who I am and what I mean to this world - all of the things I seem to have lost while hearing over and over that I was worthless and would never make it in this world alone.

I don't regret moving here - in fact, I'm glad I did... if nothing else comes of it, I can say that I tried something drastic and tie it all up in a big "experience bow".  I just happened to pick the worst time in our generation to move to a new city and find a job.  I know I'll be alright, I always am, I've just never had to take this much time to pull myself out of an emotional hole.  

So my new years resolution will be to begin to love myself again.  To find a place where I can be happy and healthy (physically and emotionally) and to not slack off on this resolution.  I understand that things will not fall magically into place by the end of January just because I've written it down, it's going to be a tough road but worth it in the end.  

 "You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." ~ Buddha

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