Monday, April 20, 2009

The Let-down

This past week/weekend was my first in "back to normal" state here in the city. I thought that it would be a welcome relief - to get back into my normal routine, but what I found instead was a letdown of massive proportions. When I was home for Christmas, I felt a huge weight lifted when I got back into the city after the new year. I was back to anonymity, back to being on my own. But this time, I didn't feel the same enjoyment. I felt sadness - sadness about being back in the "concrete jungle" - knowing that I would go back to being alone in the masses. I knew that as I made the trek from airport to apartment, I wouldn't run into someone I knew and no one would be waiting for me to return.

My sadness upon return quickly morphed into another emotion altogether - I was angry! Angry at what? Specifically, I don't know. I just know that Tuesday-Friday of this past week, I was surly... I didn't snap at people, and outwardly, I'm not sure if anyone could tell that I was fuming on the inside - but still, I didn't feel content. I thought maybe it was the weather... since I had just spent the weekend enjoying 70 degree days, complete with sandals and sundresses, then came back to 40 degree rainy days. Gross.

Ultimately, I'm sure my malcontent came from many different sources... the weather, my family's absence, friends no longer coming to visit, being alone in my apartment, nothing good on tv, and no upcoming plans to look forward to. Still, it makes me wonder if my feelings of coming back to the city are a sign of misplacement. Is New York City not where I'm supposed to be?

Maybe I'm putting too much of my thoughts and plans into the "fate" category. I guess because I tried so hard to plan my life according to what I wanted before, and watched it all crumble around me, that I feel that there's no use in fighting what is meant to be. But at what point does allowing what is "meant to be" become laziness? Am I doing myself a disservice by not trying to take control of every situation? Or am I simply giving up control as a way of coping with the past?

Ugh. I think too much.

On Saturday, NYC experienced it's first spring-feeling day of the year. Because of the 70-degree weather, I, like everyone else in Manhattan, decided to spend some time in Central Park - laying in the grass, reading, and taking some walks. I always enjoy Central Park - it's large enough to surround yourself with nature so that you don't feel like you're in the city, but crowded enough so you don't feel alone. On Saturday, Central Park felt more like a Festival of sorts, with all of the people hanging around, groups performing for the masses, and the vendors walking around selling hot dogs and sodas. But, it was nice to see a different side of this city. The photo above is the Jackie O. Reservoir, tucked right in the center of Central Park. (sorry about the quality, taken by camera phone - and crappy camera phone at that!) The buildings seen are on the Upper East Side.
I wanted to go to a different section of the park than I normally frequent, and I'm really glad I did. I saw an entirely new image of the Park - one that is rocky and trail-like instead of the section set for a movie-scene. (as seen to the left - photo not by me) Though, I will admit, I love the mall area of the park. My favorite passage is seen here, with the windy trees making a canopy over the walkway. It's just beautiful, I could walk up and down the path for hours. I eventually met up with Carrie and Ryan in the Park (at a section known as "Sheep Meadow")

After leaving the park, I went to the grocery store at Union Square and lugged all of my groceries 11 blocks back to my apartment. I made myself some dinner, watched some TV, then met Carrie and Ryan downtown at a bar for one of their friends' birthday party. It was a wasted attempt to make some friends, since not a single other person spoke to me (besides Ryan and Carrie) - what is it about people in this city? They don't really like to reach out of their comfort zones. Once a friend circle is made, it is rarely breached. So I went home alone (I'm getting pretty tired of that), read a bit, and went to sleep.

I basically slept all day on Sunday, waking to read a bit, then falling asleep again. It felt like a wasted day, but I probably needed it - to catch up on the lack of sleep I sustained over the past 2 weeks.

Currently, I'm at work - but the server is down on our floor, therefore, I can't use the program needed to do any of my daily work. So, I'm sending my thoughts out into the blog-o-sphere. Not that anyone really cares how I felt coming back into the City or how I spent my Saturday, but it's there if you want it. Enjoy.

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