Wednesday, June 10, 2009

"I can't do it"

So, I've come full-circle. It was on this day, exactly one year ago, that I received an early morning phone call that changed my life. Around 6:00am, my (then)fiance called me and effectively told me that he did not want to get married. "I can't do it" was all he said - all he needed to say, really. During the short phone calls, texts messages, and emails (really, who cancels a wedding by texting??) that were exchanged, I knew that my life was going to be very different from what I had planned. No, the wedding wasn't actually canceled until a few days later, but in my heart, I knew that morning that I deserved better.

I remember, there was a moment - after the first phone call (that phone call only lasted about 2 min.) I sat up in bed, still a little groggy from sleep and shocked from being on the phone. I'm not sure why, but I got up out of bed and went outside to sit on the front porch. It was at that moment, as I sat outside at 6:30 in the morning, that I understood what was happening. I was not getting married. I would have to start over. I think in that moment, my heart accepted this - but my head had not. I still had too many questions, too many thoughts - and it would be a long, long time before all of the pieces made sense. I had margaritas for breakfast and ice cream for lunch. The beginning of my long, hard battle had started.

The above photo was taken three days before the "D-Day" at my Bridesmaid's luncheon. My bridesmaids (with the exception of C's sister - omen??) and I were taking photographs toward the end of the lunch. During the photo session, someone yelled "turn around!" to someone else, but we (being silly) turned around and posed for the "photo". I realize now how symbolic this photo really is. On that day, when my life was going exactly as I had planned it, they were there for me, sharing in my joy. And when my world was crumbling around me, They were there, holding me up. I still had the support of my family and friends - much like the photo above. Granted, my bridesmaids weren't the only ones that were there for me during that time. (They're just the ones that are in the appropriate photo) To all my family and friends: Thank you. You have no idea how much you helped me.

It really doesn't seem like an entire year has passed. Now, there were a few days/weeks in the winter that felt like they lasted an entire year, but looking back now, this year has gone by very quickly. I guess I'm lucky for that.

More thoughts and reflections to come. Love to you -

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