Monday, June 15, 2009

Stop this train

Stop this train -
I wanna get off and go home again.
I can't take the speed it's moving in.
I know I can't -
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

I feel like my life is spinning out of control and I can do nothing to stop it. Like being on a Sit-n-Spin, I am still, but my world is dizzy, out of focus, and out of reach. I have no constant. I know enough to know that life will never "stop" spinning, and it will never be completely easy, but I'd really like a slow-down of sorts. I'm almost afraid to answer the telephone, always fearing more bad news.

As you know, my father's cancer is far more progressed than we originally thought. Next Friday, he will go in for his bone marrow scan which will determine how much treatment he will need.

In addition to the cancer my father is battling, my grandfather received a report this week that confirmed that his cancer is back. He has 8 spots in his brain, 7 of which are minuscule, one of which is a full millimeter. (I know that doesn't seem large, but in cancer, it is.) He'll have to have radiation therapy on the entire brain (which has some pretty serious risks)

I feel so helpless, so far away from both of them. And I feel guilty for not being able to be there for them. I know that I couldn't REALLY do much to help, but I could be there! I could talk with them... or something! But, I can't do any of that from here. I am removed. I am far away.

I want to know everything about my grandfather. I think he is an unbelievably amazing individual and every time I am with him, I find out something new about his life and his past. I feel childish for not paying more attention to his stories throughout the years - If this is it for him, I know my life will never be the same. If he were to not be here anymore, I don't think that is something I could handle. The world, MY world, is better because of him.

My head is clouded with all of these thoughts, and I know that I should think positively, and not be upset, because that's what they would want me to do. But, I can't help it. I want to hold onto them with all of my strength.. but will that be enough? Will they truly know how much I care for them? How much I think about them?

There is a part of my brain that feels like my life is starting to come together, to make sense. Then there's another part, a deep, darkened part that reminds me that it's falling apart. I am two beings in one body. And, with this constant battle of self, I can not hold it all together. I am useless.

I'm on this train, I can't slow down.
And the brakes are gone and I'm running out of reasons to even try to stop it now.
And it seems to me no matter where I turn,
I fall off these tracks and I get burned;
But someday I'm going to finally make it home.

But these wheels keep on taking me the long way..
And I just don't know when they'll finally stop.
But I know if they keep taking me the long way, the wrong way;
I'm falling off, ain't never getting up.

And, someday, I hope you finally lead me home.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You are never removed, only physically distanced. You aren't useless, just unable to provide healing for something that has no cure. This is out of our hands, we have to trust in the ultimate plan. You shouldn't feel guilty, guilt is remorse caused by feeling responsible for some offense. Of what offense have you taken against them? You are making a life for yourself. You are taking risks and bettering yourself, and to them, that's a greater gift. That's where they want you to be. Wanting you to live, wanting you to grow. It's hard sometimes, and it's a journey that doesn't come quick or easy, but what's worth the prize is always worth the fight. I know i've spent many days mad at God, demanding to know why our family is being punished. For what good could come out of losing a father or a grandfather? But i've come to the realization that God is not a judge, deciding the fates of people and causing hurt to those that love them. He loves all of his children with a love more than we can possibly imagine and he would never let the pain of his child be in vain. We are all fearful of the future, but that fear is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you can't. It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn't even real, nor will it ever be real. You try to play God, imagining the evil that you fear becoming reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear. I'm trying in my own life to not fear what isn't yet reality. I want to trust God more, to know that he has the best of intentions at heart and he knows our paths before we even make the first step. They are both in his hands, and you and I have to have faith that what ever is meant to be, will be. Rest in the knowledge that they do know your love for them and they always will, whether near or far. Our lives may be different, but it's a change that must come whether in a year or 15 years, but know that no matter what changes we go through, two things will never change. Me and God's love for you.

"Time keeps moving from a crawl to a run
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home
You're out there walking down a highway
And all of the signs got blown away
Sometimes you wonder if you're walking in the wrong direction

But if you break down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you
When it don't come easy
When it don't come easy"