Stop this train -
I wanna get off and go home again.
I can't take the speed it's moving in.
I know I can't -
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?
I feel like my life is spinning out of control and I can do nothing to stop it. Like being on a Sit-n-Spin, I am still, but my world is dizzy, out of focus, and out of reach. I have no constant. I know enough to know that life will never "stop" spinning, and it will never be completely easy, but I'd really like a slow-down of sorts. I'm almost afraid to answer the telephone, always fearing more bad news.
As you know, my father's cancer is far more progressed than we originally thought. Next Friday, he will go in for his bone marrow scan which will determine how much treatment he will need.
In addition to the cancer my father is battling, my grandfather received a report this week that confirmed that his cancer is back. He has 8 spots in his brain, 7 of which are minuscule, one of which is a full millimeter. (I know that doesn't seem large, but in cancer, it is.) He'll have to have radiation therapy on the entire brain (which has some pretty serious risks)
I feel so helpless, so far away from both of them. And I feel guilty for not being able to be there for them. I know that I couldn't REALLY do much to help, but I could be there! I could talk with them... or something! But, I can't do any of that from here. I am removed. I am far away.
I want to know everything about my grandfather. I think he is an unbelievably amazing individual and every time I am with him, I find out something new about his life and his past. I feel childish for not paying more attention to his stories throughout the years - If this is it for him, I know my life will never be the same. If he were to not be here anymore, I don't think that is something I could handle. The world, MY world, is better because of him.
My head is clouded with all of these thoughts, and I know that I should think positively, and not be upset, because that's what they would want me to do. But, I can't help it. I want to hold onto them with all of my strength.. but will that be enough? Will they truly know how much I care for them? How much I think about them?
There is a part of my brain that feels like my life is starting to come together, to make sense. Then there's another part, a deep, darkened part that reminds me that it's falling apart. I am two beings in one body. And, with this constant battle of self, I can not hold it all together. I am useless.
I'm on this train, I can't slow down.
And the brakes are gone and I'm running out of reasons to even try to stop it now.
And it seems to me no matter where I turn,
I fall off these tracks and I get burned;
But someday I'm going to finally make it home.
But these wheels keep on taking me the long way..
And I just don't know when they'll finally stop.
But I know if they keep taking me the long way, the wrong way;
I'm falling off, ain't never getting up.
And, someday, I hope you finally lead me home.