It was 2:12pm. My phone sat next to me, the messages I had sent sat unread. A mountain of paperwork sat to my left, the completed (much smaller pile) set of papers to my right. My mouse blinked on the screen. I sent another message. “Are you busy?” No reply.
Then, I couldn’t breathe. My throat shut completely. My heart pounded in my chest, my palms got sweaty, my head swirled with a carousel of images, people and objects in my life spinning round and round, each not tangible. “I’m having a panic attack,” I realized.
It’s no secret that I carry a significant amount of damage from my previous relationship, but it is unusual for the affects to show themselves, like was the case today. Normal me would have seen Craig’s lack of response as a busily working employee, trying to complete everything before leaving for the weekend. But today, that silent phone sent me into a spiral of self loathing and doubt. I am afraid of losing him.
It’s strange, because even in the midst of these attacks our outbursts, I do have the mental ability to understand that I’m being ridiculous, allowing my stupid brain to make up fictitious scenarios and attempt to persuade normal me into accepting that as a reality. Even still, it doesn’t seem to be able to calm my shaking hands and clenched teeth, thinking that my world is going to be turned upside down at any second.
It’s not fair to Craig, really, to have me question his fidelity or desire to be with me when he has given me no reason to. But, the outcome of my relationship with Cole taught me to question everything, to think that nothing is certain, and to always be on edge, preparing for the blast.
Most of the time, I can keep it under wraps, calming myself down to prevent an onslaught of questions spewing out of my mouth, questioning his every intent. “What did you REALLY mean when you said that?” “Where were you REALLY when you told me that you were somewhere else?” “Do you REALLY mean that, or were you just telling me what I want to hear?”
He is an amazing person for constantly reminding me that he wants to be with me, but I can’t help but wonder why he would want to be with someone as damaged as I am. Do I deserve to be with someone so wonderful? And, if I do, do I do enough for him to warrant his love?
With every relationship, I’m sure there is the possibility of it failing. People are people and sometimes we change our minds, but I am firm in the belief that some things do last forever. I hope and pray that this is one of them.
While I continue work out my own issues, I strive to be the kind of person that he deserves. Someone who is not emotionally stunted and who gives him all the love he is deserving of. Let’s just say that I have work to do…