D-Day

So, yesterday, 7/7/09 was my D-Day. No, not the invasion of Normandy (That was June 6th) - but Decision Day. It was the day I had selected months ago for the deadline to make a decision about what I wanted to do next year. And I have decided.

I want to stay in New York City.

It feels a lot better now that I have decided what I want to do. But, the decision is not the hardest part. The big question now is this: HOW am I going to stay in New York City? And that, my friends, is a very difficult question.

I think I ultimately made the decision to stay here a few weeks ago, and when I happily shared the news with my mother this weekend (who was visiting with my sister), she didn't exactly have the best reaction.

Essentially, she gave my "reality" a swift kick in the balls. (We're going to pretend that "reality" is a man. After all, "reality" is kind of a jerk) "That's great," she responded, "can you afford to do that?" What? Where's my "You go girl!"?? My silver-lining? Geez, mom!

While her question was completely legit, and very "mom-like", it threw me into a tail-spin. Suddenly, everything was clearer to me. I'm not in a permanent job, I'm not making nearly enough money to get an apartment, not to mention that I owe my roommate a ba-jillion dollars for my CURRENT apartment! Why in the hell do I think that this is something that can seriously be done?

I was consumed with my own thoughts for most of the past 2-3 days, still taking my mom and sister around the city, trying so hard to get them to like it as much as I've started to. We were almost to Union Square on Sunday afternoon when I stopped. Above me, there were 5 jets flying in a perfect line across the sky. "A little late for 4th of July," I mused. But, I quickly noticed that they weren't just doing a fly-over, no, this line of jets was etching something into the sky. "SKY WRITING!" my sister noticed. "Whoever CUNNING.COM is must have a lot of money to burn," my mom commented.

Though it didn't really phase me for most of the day (a day spent in Central Park and 5th Avenue), I still had a nagging feeling about it when I got home. "What is cunning.com?" I typed it directly into Google (my best friend) and I was shocked to find that Cunning is an ad agency located in NYC and London, that specializes in branding and guerrilla marketing.. What? That's exactly what I want to do! How is it that 5 jets write the name of an ad agency that I would love to work for in the sky at the exact time I was walking to the park? 10 minutes later, I would have been in the subway, completely oblivious to the cloudy message. A sign from God. "It has to be!" I thought. So, I immediately started drafting an email saying that I saw their message in the sky, loved their devotion to branding and told them that I would love to hear about any employment opportunities that may be available. Attach resume. Send.

I was so excited the next day. This was all going to work out so well! What a story I would have to tell - "What a cool business card! How did you find your amazing job?" people would ask me. "It was written in the sky," is all I'd say. Man, this was going to be great! My elation was soon halted when I got back home Monday night to find an email from Cunning saying "We're all staffed up, but we'll keep you on file!" Well, damn. There went my awesome story, my hopes, my dreams. After that, I began wondering - was my "sign from God" just a stupid coincidence? I am trying so hard to keep faith and know that I will ultimately be put where I'm "supposed" to be. But, am I misreading the signs?

_____________________________________________

Yesterday, I experienced a panic-attack inducing moment when I went to get some money out of the ATM so I could wash the sheets and towels that were used over the weekend by my visiting family. A twenty dollar bill popped out of the machine along with a receipt showing me the balance of my account.

Available Balance: $0.00

Oh.My.GOD. ZERO DOLLARS? How is that even possible? I know I was low because my rent check was just cashed, but ZERO!? How could I have been that irresponsible this month?? Then, my mother's words stung me again. I'm not going to be able to stay here. I can't afford to stay here. So what do I do? I'm desperately needing more money from a job (any job) but taking a second job isn't really an option here either. So what do I do???

My mind has been working overtime - almost making it impossible to do anything at all (except get a headache) What if these are my signs? What if the signs that I've been searching for, the ones that were going to tell me that everything will eventually get better, are really the things that are making it so hard for me. Could I be misunderstanding what is being shown? Am I being continually tested? Are the frequent obstacles really telling me not to live here because it's not supposed to be what is for me? Or am I just really over-thinking this?