I am in the dark place.

Dating Virginia: What are you looking for?

"So, what are you looking for?"

There are many questions that I cannot stand to be asked from potential suitors. "What are you looking for?" is at the top. I guess the biggest problem with this question is there is no easy answer. I understand the answers that people are looking for... you know, casual dating, a long term relationship, a friend, a sex partner, a husband, whatever.

Here's the issue I have: I just don't know. Do I want to get married someday? Sure! But, I'm not exactly looking for a husband right now, ya know? But, if that man happened to come into my life tomorrow, I don't think I would deny myself (or him) the opportunity to make a relationship happen. That being said, anyone that comes out saying "I'm looking for my future wife", I'm going to run in the opposite direction.

I mean, each person that comes into your life ultimately has a purpose, but if you begin by defining each person by a specific "job", then you will only wind up disappointed.

So, the answer. Here's what I'm looking for: I am looking for someone who will love me and respect me exactly as I am. Whether that person is a friend or a lover or a husband. Isn't that the same for us all? To be liked for who you are? Not as you were or for what you could be. Not smarter, or thinner, or with a smaller nose. Not taller, or shorter, with longer hair, and a less crazy family. Someone who bring mutual respect into a relationship (whatever space that relationship falls)

So there's the simple answer to a complicated question. I want to be liked just the way I am. Because, I'm pretty sure I'll always be just a little bit fat.

Fury and Irony

I was laid off.

Tuesday afternoon, I was 'let go' from my job. I can't even begin to explain the amount of anger and embarrassment I am feeling right now. Especially because the reason I was given for my dismissal was complete and utter fiction.

I know most of you, dear readers, don't know the details of my job, but I'm angry and need to get this out. I was told that my dismissal had everything to do with "performance and lateness".

Let's break it down. Performance: In the world of sales, I understand that numbers are a big determining factor in job performance. Now, I would be perfectly understanding if I had been slacking in my sales figures, but that wasn't the case. I was the top booker in my training class and had booked more than another person on my team (who, strangely, still has his job).

Second, Lateness: We were all told on day 1 of training that lateness would not be acceptable in this profession. While I have had issues in the past with being late (I don't doubt that) I had only been late ONE time to this job. The one time, happened to be on the day I was let go. But, I followed proper protocol, letting my manager know well in advance that I would be a few minutes late. Siting lateness as a reason for my dismissal is bullshit.

While I'm feeling lost and alone, I am mostly hurt and offended by those who I respected. I have lost respect for my manager - after he sat there and lied to me. It's unprofessional and unacceptable. I was let go because I had information about past publications that could have jeopardized the credibility of BTQ. I knew too much.

Will I do anything with the information? I haven't decided yet. But I am furious right now. I am hurt because I wasn't respected enough to be told the truth. I was discarded like a filthy piece of trash and it's not okay.

___________________________________________

While I feel like my life is in pieces (again), something ironic did happen today. Last week, I made my first truly selfish purchase. I had saved some of my commission money and decided to buy myself a piece of jewelry. But, the events of this week made me forget all about it. So, today, when a tiny box appeared on my doorstep from San Francisco, I was truly excited. I didn't realize how appropriate this piece of jewelry would be, but it's perfect.

A ring. A small ring, with a tiny gold wire band and a brushed silver oval top. Sounds simple, but what makes this ring truly wonderful are the tiny words etched on the top.

the journey is the reward

I will now have a daily reminder to not worry about what will happen in the future. But to constantly live in the present. The journey, not the destination, is the reward.

The photo (from the jeweler's website) doesn't do the ring justice. It's really small and dainty, the words almost hardly visible - certainly not something that could be seen from far away.

Funny how things happen, huh?

If you'd like to look at some of Jeanine Payer's jewelry (I love every piece!) visit her website HERE

Happy Anniversary, New York!

Yes, friends, New York and I have been together for 1 whole year. It's really unbelievable to me that an entire year has passed. But, I guess when you break it down, really think about it, a lot happened in this one year. I know it's trite to say, but I have really grown up in this year. I understand how difficult it can be to manage your own finances. I know now how important it is to take care of yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally. And I know how important it is to keep those that love you (and that you love) close to you (even when you're far away).

I spent last weekend in DC with my bestest friends and I realized that the only real reason I don't like living in New York is because I can't see them more often. It was ironic though... Sunday afternoon, I rode the bus from DC back to NYC - taking the exact same roads I had taken 1 year prior in a moving truck with my father. Seeing the New York City skyline in the distance reminded me of the mix of nervousness and excitement I had on that Saturday morning.

There were many times throughout this past year that I thought I couldn't handle New York anymore. There were times I seriously considered packing whatever I could in a suitcase and moving home. I don't know how many times I called home in tears, the pressure was just too much. But, I stuck it out and I am so happy I did. I am in a new apartment, with a new job - it almost feels like everything that was wrong with my life last year has faded away. Amazing.

I'm filled with excitement thinking about all there is to come in this next year. The fear and nervous anticipation has been replaced with optimism - there's nothing that can hit me this year that I can't get through. So, bring it on, New York! Give me all you got - I'm ready!

1929-2009

I'm sitting out on the balcony of my new apartment. Just finished dinner, and I'm enjoying the street-symphony below. Normally, people would associate honking horns, revving engines, and sirens as something obnoxious... an annoyance of life. But, tonight, I'm feeling differently about it. Even though my head is spinning with thoughts, my heart is heavy with emotions, and my body feels like quitting, the sounds of the night are a comforting reminder that the city keeps on going. Nothing stops New York. Life keeps on going, the world keeps turning. Good or bad, it goes on.

I am having to remind myself every single day (sometimes multiple times a day) that time will heal all wounds. That the pain and sadness of my grandfather's passing will lessen; that the stresses of my job will cease; that my father's cancer will remiss; that I will eventually fall asleep at night without worrying how I will afford to eat the following week...

But, I know that as life goes on, stresses fade, and new stresses arrive. It's a never-ending cycle. Just a thing we all have to accept, I guess.

I don't think I have fully accepted the fact that my grandfather is gone. Even now, I have a problem, a question, or even something exciting to tell, I want to call him. Tonight, I actually called his cell phone, it wasn't until I heard the voicemail that I remembered. The phone dropped from my hand, and I had to eventually had to pick myself up off the floor after I collapsed into a sobbing mess.

He was my rock, my mentor, and one of my best friends. Not having him here anymore is one of the most painful feelings I have ever had. My body literally hurts when I think about how I will never see him again.

Though time will eventually lessen the pain, there will never be a time in which I will not miss him.

In this life...

I know I barely updated in August - I apologize for that. But once things start spinning out of control, it's hard enough for me to grasp what is going on in my own life. Having to organize my thoughts into a succinct blog post was near impossible. But, I'm trying now.

I am home. I came into NC for the Labor Day weekend. Though I might have come in to town anyway (because of the extended weekend), I had special reason to be here. Yesterday, my grandfather celebrated his 80th birthday. When I booked my flight in July, the mood for the weekend was of a celebratory nature. A monumental party was being planned and everyone was to attend. However, this weekend has ended up being an overwhelming mix of emotions; happiness, sadness, heart-wrenching longing, empathy, sympathy, and so much more.

My grandfather is dying.

Though I really feel that I would rather him pass on than to suffer, I am selfish. I do not want to lose him. I do not want live in a world where he does not exist. I guess for some it's better to know it is coming instead of being shocked and bewildered by a sudden death, but to know it is inevitable is just as hard as I imagine losing him will be.

Does knowing something is coming make it any easier to handle?

I've spent a lot of time in the hospital this holiday weekend. My father was diagnosed with MRSA and had to be quarantined in the infectious disease unit. Essentially, his body has no ability to fight any sort of infection because of the Leukemia. So, visiting my father in isolation, and seeing my grandfather (lucky they were just down the hall from each other, right?) has essentially been my weekend.

I feel that I am a relatively strong person (most of the time) but I am having a very difficult time dealing with this upcoming loss. Though there is obviously a grandfather/granddaughter relationship there, I also consider him to be one of my closest friends. When he goes, a piece of myself will be gone forever.

As I have looked upon my grandfather with teary eyes, I have noticed that the interactions with my grandparents (when they think no one is looking) is both heart-warming and heart-wrenching at the same time. Throughout 58 years of marriage, they are still very much in love. And even though my grandfather has hardly any fight left in him, my grandmother is fighting every step of the way. She is his caretaker, the meal-giver, the one who talks to the nurses, the one who ensures that he is feeling okay. There was a moment, right as she finished feeding him his lunch, where she took the napkin, wiped his mouth, and held his face in her hand. They looked at each other as if they were 25 years old again. No one else existed but the two of them.

It has certainly made me think - does love like that even exist anymore? And will I ever find someone to love long enough and cling to the final stages of life with? I mean, isn't that the point of all this? To find an other half - one that will be there until the very end, holding your face and gazing into your eyes; one who has a heart breaking in two but still lets you know that it's okay to let go, to stop suffering.

Though I may be a little cynical and skeptical about love and what it has in store for me. I know, in utter certainty, that I have witnessed love this weekend. And I have learned.. love is about loving someone not for who they ought to be, or could be, but as they are, until the very end.

So, though this weekend has been extremely difficult emotionally, it has also been very beneficial to my overall emotional health. I think I have been harboring all of this emotion in solitude in NYC, and I have been able to talk, cry, hug my family members, and really experience this time with them - instead of alone.

After all, alone is the last place I wanted to be.

An all-inclusive update

So, I'm sitting here, eating incredibly spicy Thai food that was given to me in a magical way only New York City could provide. I browse the menus online, pick what I want, then 20 minutes later, a man who has only been taught how to say "Delivery" and "Thank you" in English brings my yellow curried goodness up two floors and hands it to me at my door. Ah, New York, you are a genius.

I know it has been an unusually long time since I've updated here (even for me!) but I just got into that rut where so much had happened that updating this blog seemed to be such a daunting task, and I completely avoided it. Typical, VA. So typical.

Anyway, to completely turn my past month into a very short section, I left my job at Ogilvy, got a new job in ad sales, my father started his chemotherapy treatment, and my grandfather decided not to go through any more treatment.

Let's start with the first one, shall we? Dear old Ogilvy and I have parted ways. Don't get me wrong, I love and respect Ogilvy as an agency and I am certainly grateful for the experience I gained while working there, but I just couldn't take working with those two women anymore. Never in my life have I interacted with such vile beings. (and I've worked with a lot of nasty people) Though, in this situation, a miracle of sorts happened. I got fed-up enough to leave... which, you probably know that if it was bad enough for ME to quit, then it was pretty bad. On that exact same day, I got a job offer from another company. Unbelievable.

Leaving was actually easier than I thought it would be. In fact, it was actually a little offensive. After talking with HR, I respectfully called both of my bosses into a conference room and told them that I was officially notifying them of my resignation. To which they replied "Okay" It was a let down, of course, to know that I was not valued by them, but I would be lying if I said I expected more from them. Oh well.

So, the new job - I am now working for a publication called Business Trends Quarterly and my job is essentially ad sales. Though, the make-up of this publication is quite different than other magazines. Not only is it my responsibility to make sure the ad space is covered, I am also responsible for making sure proper editorial content is provided by analysts, key players in the business field, or governmental officials. I will admit that it has caused me quite a bit of stress over the past few weeks since I am having to learn everything about working in sales. But, I think that in time, I will get the hang of it and I hope to be very successful in this endeavor.

Next, we go to the family section. My dad started his chemotherapy treatments two weeks ago. I'm not sure if I actually updated anything about him since the initial diagnosis, but he was mis-staged at the beginning and was told later that the cancer was at a much more progressed state. So, he has started a very aggressive chemo treatment that will last 6 months. The treatment spans over 3 days, every 3 weeks. Though he says that he is doing fine, I don't really buy into the story. I know he's doing the "Dad" thing where he tells me that he's doing great when he's really having to deal with a lot. Sometimes I just want to shake him and make him know that it's okay for him to not be a "superhero" all the time. It's okay to be sick, it's okay to be scared, and it's okay to have weak moments in front of your children. But, I guess I can't really understand since I have no children of my own. What I do understand is this: He is embarking on a very difficult journey and I will be with him (in spirit, mostly) every step of the way.

So, I started to write something about my grandfather, but I just couldn't handle it. I'll try to get something out there soon. Sorry.

Dating Virginia: Double-Dipping

This past weekend was probably my busiest when it comes to “dating” – I crammed 3 dates into 2 days. Yes, readers, I double-dipped in the dating pool and met two different guys in the same day. And, of course, it’s all very story-worthy. Let’s start with date number 1:

****Note: all men have been given proper nicknames. Trying to protect the innocent (and the not so innocent) here****

"Soba noodles" and I decided to meet on Friday night and take a walk around town. It was a nice night, I agreed to meet him in a public place and I got to choose the “walking path” so that I felt comfortable walking with him at night (i.e. no dark alleys, no creepy cross-through streets, and no scary night-time parks) I should have known it would be a dating disaster when I saw him show up in a t-shirt, rolled up jeans, and flip-flops. He looked like he was heading to go find some crawdads in a creek. I wish I could say that was the worst of how he arrived! He was carrying a plastic container (one that your soup from a Chinese restaurant would come in - hence the nickname "Soba noodles") that was full of whiskey! Yes, he was drunk, sweating, stumbling all over the place, and drinking out of a plastic bowl with a top. He said he was nervous (hence the alcohol) and I felt a little sorry for the guy – so I decided to walk with him a bit. (I am entirely too nice.. I should have run away) We ended up sitting on a bench near the river – to which he said it was romantic and asked if he could kiss me. I said “um.. alright” since I was planning to leave anyway. (this is where it gets weird) He reached behind me with his hand, and grabbed my hair, took his other hand and cupped the side of my face – he then forced my chin up with his thumb and went straight for my neck. Yes, he vampired me. He connected so quickly, I had no idea what was happening --- he essentially hoover-vac’ed me. It was very fast, but it hurt really bad – no, he didn’t bite me, but it was like he was trying to suck the skin off my neck – I yelled, and pushed him off, told him that I was NOT interested in that and that I was leaving. He apologized, but I was done – I walked very quickly away at that point. AWKWARD! I have no idea what alternate universe he has lived in that would make that okay (or romantic!) but zOmg! Wtf!?

I went home, still trying to figure out what the hell had just happened, I took a shower, because I had the heebie-jeebies and when I got out of the shower, I noticed a mark on my neck. Yes, he sucked hard enough for 1.5 seconds to give me a damn hickey! Imagine how awkward it was trying to hide a hickey I got the night before on my coffee date scheduled the next day!

Date number 2: "Aerie" and I decided to meet for coffee at 1:30. As I got off the subway uptown at 1:25, I had a voicemail from him – asking if I wanted to meet “for lunch or something” that afternoon. Um.. what? I thought we had already made a plan! I called back, said that was fine, and that I could be uptown in about 15-20 minutes (Hello! I totally had other plans, but I’d be willing to drop them to meet him! Duh!) ;-)

So, I’m standing outside the café waiting for him, hair in a side pony to hide the vamp-bite on my neck (of course) and off the bus comes "Aerie". Let me paint this picture for you. He had a cute face, glasses, (I thought, “okay, good!”) then I begin the downward glance. Faded beige button-up shirt, sleeves rolled up, giant backpack, khaki cargo shorts, mountain boots with pushed down socks (almost like leg-warmer style) He looked like he had just repelled down a mountain! (Or a building) Though I could tell in the first 5 minutes that I was not really into him, I decided to stick it out and give the guy a chance. I still haven’t figured out how to just say “I’m not interested”. We sat, talked about music, which was nice (I had plenty of things to deliver to the conversation because of my mother, thanks mom!) but after a while, I was just tired of the whole thing – he talked in very poetic language – like he would say something like “One doesn’t want to be overbearing” ::hand woff:: - - so I decided to just play along. “Oh yes, I’ve traveled all over the world soul-searching!” “I just loved Australia – I spent an entire week with a shaman learning how to play the didgeridoo!” He ate it right up – he probably thinks I’m fantastic. ::sigh::

Okay, so date number 3, later that night. I was meeting "Seaman" again (I had hung out with him last weekend). Let’s see - - how to describe my “relationship” with "Seaman"…. We put up with each other in a traditional “about town-date scenario” so that we can eventually hook up. Yes, I think I have found my “summer fling”… He’s an ex-Navy guy, which I originally decided to not even go there because of the obvious C-reference, but he caught me with nothing to do on a Saturday night. The alternative was watching the Oxygen network, eating Oreos, and going to bed alone – so, I decided to meet him for drinks. Since I had already polished off half a bottle of wine before I met him, after a few beers, we were making out in dark corners in no time.

He’s cute, but he’s not someone I would really ‘date’… with the tattoos and pot smoking (not allowed near me) but we have amazing 'sexual chemistry'. Ah, whatever, I'm enjoying this for now.

I had another date last night. “Mealplan” – so named because the first 2-3 days we “talked” he kept asking me what I had to eat that day, in a “what was for lunch?” “what did you make for dinner?” kind of way… Annndddd.... I officially have my first crush! I've been on so many dates with so many different people and I normally walk away from them either completely freaked out (as you've read above) or with a general apathetic feeling. Most of the dates are "alright" but there's never been a real spark. Now, I finally got that feeling - a small flutter in my stomach when I get a message from him. Ahh! I'm feeling girly again!

But, it's also terrifying. I mean, I haven't done this in a LONG time. I don't want to get hurt again (especially over something meaningless) but I also don't want to close myself off from something that could be great. Internal struggle: commense!

Dating Virginia: The Gender Reversal

It seems that during the time I was "off the market" and "in the pit" a reversal of gender happened. We all know that typically, the women are the ones who whine to their girlfriends over mimosas saying " why didn't he call me?" "what does this text mean?" "he gave me a kiss at the end of the date and never called?! What the hell??" But, for some reason, I find myself constantly interacting with a bunch of whiny boys!

First, let's go back to February, to my first real adult date. After interacting with the guy for a few days, agreeing to meet him for dates, after date number 2, he was suddenly in love with me! Crying (yes, crying) and saying that he wanted to "love [me] forever" GAHH!

Another case: there are a few guys that I have communicated with online that will randomly send me messages like this:

OnlineGuy2298: Why haven't you said hi to me lately?
OnlineGuy2298: What did I do?
OnlineGuy2298: Do you want to meet?
OnlineGuy2298: Hello?
OnlineGuy2298: Hm, guess not.

Really? When did this happen? When did guys become neurotic little babies who bug the hell out of you in a "I'm going to keep calling you until you realize how NORMAL I am!"???

Also, guys today seem to be more insecure about themselves than women are. They constantly want to know if you find them attractive or if you like their personality. Like the guy who tells me every day that he goes to the gym. ( I get it! You work out! I'm so proud!) Or the guy that asks, "why don't you want to hold my hand? You don't like me?" (Really??)

I'm certainly not the most confident person out there, and I definitely don't have the highest self-esteem. But, I know how to carefully hide it and make guys think that I've got it all together (at least, I think so - who knows, they might be able to see right through me..)

So, to all the men out there - please, stop whining!

Dating Virginia: It's all about the number

Dating online is essentially man-shopping. I can only equate it to what it would be like to pick a sperm donor. Not that I've ever done it, but I imagine it to be something like: here's a book of eligible men and their stats. Pick the one who has the best qualities for you!

Online dating is the same way. You wade through pages and pages of men from the comfort of your could-fit-another-person bed and pick and choose the ones that you think are cute, smart, or funny. Because the website I'm using likes to rub your ego, it allows you to see everyone that has viewed you. In the same vein, you are seen by all the men after you view their profiles. So here's my technique: I spend about an hour or so each day clicking on random profiles, reading through and making mental notes about each guy. I then wait for me to pop up under their "viewed me" section. If they like me, they message me. It's the perfect combination of stealthiness and laziness. And, it saves me from the self-esteem attack that happens when you send a witty message to an eligible bachelor and get no response (ouch). This way is much better, I love it.

So, it's probably too passive of a technique to really get the "man of my dreams" (though the man of my dreams changes way too much, so there's probably not someone out there that totally "fits") But, it has worked decently so far.

So, they send messages, I check them out again to determine if I'd like to chat, and we start a conversation. A lot of times, these small chatting sessions end after a few messages, but there are a few that have matured into a full-blown volley. Then comes the next step: the phone number.

Because my phone number had to be changed after many deranged phone conversations with a former acquaintance, I have been very careful about giving out my number. But, once I become comfortable enough with someone from chatting online, I normally give out my number (only if it's asked for. Come on, now, I'm a lady!)

So, here's the thing. We chat online, we're trying to do the preliminary "get-to-know-you" stage, then the number comes out and.... nothing. What the hell? I give you my number (because you said it would be easier to communicate that way) and then you don't call?? If the phone number is such an intimidating thing, why do men ask for it to begin with?

Though I have never read the book or seen the movie, I'm a firm believer in the "He's Just Not That Into You" principle. If the guy is into you, you'll know it. He'll try. And he'll be persistent. If not, he just isn't into you! It's simple. But still, it's hard to accept that quiet cell phone.

Oh, and if any of you are wondering about my last date. Well, silent-phone. It speaks louder than words.