Dare alla Luce

Tonight, I am staying in.  Not that this is an unusual thing, but it makes me feel better if I say that it's a personal choice ; )  So I'm staying in and watching "Under The Tuscan Sun", which is just a happy movie.  It makes me want to move to Italy and say beautiful things like "Buona notte" and "Arriverderci" - but alas, I'll have to stay in New York and say things like "I'm walkin' hea" and "where's the effin' train?"

I noticed something tonight as I was putting on some lotion.  About two years ago, I developed a habit with rubbing lotion on my hands.  I would remove my rings and rub the lotion in, and I would always put a little extra lotion on my left ring finger because my engagement ring had rubbed a callous just below my knuckle.  Even after I stopped wearing my ring, the patch of dry skin remained and I rubbed extra lotion on it every time I put lotion on my hands.  Today, as I took extra time to rub my ring finger (by habit, of course), I noticed that the callous was gone.  It probably disappeared a while ago, but tonight - I noticed it for the first time.  The "scar" from my previous relationship has disappeared with time, and, like that patch of skin on my finger, the scar on my heart will also fade with time.  I just need some patience and maybe some extra "rubbing in" sometimes.  Time will heal.  I need to have faith.

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"Signora, between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering.  It is an impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains.  They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice.  They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip.  They built it becasue they knew some day, the train would come."

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My mind is never still -

Sometimes it's quiet in the city - eerily quiet.  It's like the city falls into a meditation, the parts move as usual, just a gentle hum coming from the wind moving through the gridded streets.  On nights like this, I feel like being still as well.  If I could master the skill of meditation, I would love to make a habit of it, but I just can't seem to ever get my mind to be still.  I am always buzzing about something, and my thoughts zip back and forth from one thing to another.  Learning to quiet my thoughts would probably allow me to fully relax.  Goal: learn beginners meditation practices.

This past weekend, I had a wonderful weekend in Washington DC with my friend, Sarah.  It was very convenient to take the bus down to DC - just 35 bucks and 4 hours.  Perfect for a weekend trip.  I really liked DC, which was odd, because when I used to go in high school, I didn't really see Washington as a place where I could actually live - just really a place to visit.  But now, I'm feeling a bit of a pull from DC, maybe I'll consider moving there if New York doesn't live up to my expectations.  Though, it would require quite a few more visits to make an ultimate decision.  I definitely can't rush into another decision to move to another state - if I move away from New York, it will be calculated and planned - and I will be absolutely sure it's what would be best for me before taking any action.  After all, moving isn't easy, and I certainly know that going to a different state doesn't solve your problems...   Hm, if I did move, would I then have to change the name of my blog?  (VA in DC???)  Eh, that's a decision for a way later date.

I have an "interview" tomorrow - I use the word, "interview", lightly, because it's more of a meeting than an interview.  I went to an Elon networking event on Tuesday orchestrated by the career services department of the University.  There, I met a couple of people that may have opportunities for me.  Tomorrow, I'm meeting with a 2006 graduate who works at a recruiting agency.  If something comes from this meeting, I would be able to get out of my current job (which is a bit of a toxic situation on its own).  I'm staying realistic though, and not getting my hopes up in case nothing comes from it - because I know from personal experience that even recruiters can fall through.  I'll keep you posted on how the meeting goes.

While we're on the subject, is it strange that I am worried about having to tell my current bosses that I would no longer be working with them? (This is going along the lines of getting a new job with this recruiter) - - - - 

I know I can answer my own question - I shouldn't feel bad about it - I mean, those women are awful!  I was told in the first week that I would not be given any sort of references by them, so why should I be concerned that they would be upset by me leaving???  I am doing a horrible job with my resolutions.  

I need to have MY best interests at heart - I need to have MY best interests at heart - I need to have MY best interests at heart.

I'm going to have to repeat this to myself over and over until it becomes habit.  

See? My mind is never quiet.  

Some old friends...

Anger has come back to visit again.  He is a fiery man, with a vicious laughter that ignites rage within me.  He is like an old friend, one that you know you don't enjoy being around, but can't help but find him in the worst of places.  I feel like he lays in bed next to me, pressing his hands against my chest, my lungs crushing under the weight.  The feelings boil up from my stomach and fill my head - I want to release the pressure.

I try to push him away, to get his scalding hands off me and these feelings out of my head - and when he starts to fade, I see another friend in my room.  She is small and frail - she sits in the corner, cowering, yet looking deeply at me with sad eyes.  She is guilt; and she, more than anger, I despise seeing her return.  She whispers softly to me, "...you're letting everybody down..."  "...don't disappoint everyone..."  and I want to scream!  There is no reason for her to be here - there is no reason!  But why? Why does she return and cripple me?

I so desperately need to get myself back to a time and place when I didn't know these "friends" - A time like this:

Maybe I should get a kitten....

NY gets a little sexier -

Okay, I'm not sure who is actually reading this - but if you are, then maybe you know me and you know what type of person I am.  Maybe not.  Who knows?

So, when I started this blog, I promised I would take you along for the ride if my life in New York started to steam up.  Now, my "steamy" life wouldn't even compare to a tea kettle of others lives, but still.

So last night was a pretty interesting night - I found out that foreign guys have NO boundaries.  Seriously, it's like they feel that a grabbing of your ass is the perfect way to initiate conversation.  And, they DON'T leave you alone after you've told them you're not interested in having their hand up your shirt.   Now, I feel that it is only coincidence that I danced with/kissed three people last night (none of which were living in America) - how else does that happen but by coincidence?  I guess technically, I only made out with one, because one guy just stuck his tongue in my mouth while I was laughing (yeah, that was awkward) - that was the same guy that tried to cross the up-the-shirt boundary, and the other guy gave me a peck before running to get drinks at the bar.

Now, this is not generally my personality - I don't usually hook up with random people at bars - in fact, I don't usually hook up with random people at all.  But, for a little while, it was nice to feel like people found me attractive and wanted to spend a little time with me (even if that time verged on inappropriate)

But, I realized, as it started to snow when I left (alone) that it's a false high - that I'm a relationship person and would much rather be in one relationship than to bounce around many guys. 

But, each day is different, I don't know who I'll meet tomorrow (or if I'll meet anyone at all) - and who knows what will happen.  

I'll keep you posted.

Warm hearts

Today I saw a plane floating in the river.  What a horrifying experience that must have been for those on board - My heart goes out to each of them, may they not live in fear and may their bodies be warm  :) 

My current lullaby

Ingrid Michaelson - Keep Breathing from http://fudgeit.vox.com/

The storm is coming but I don't mind. 
People are dying, I close my blinds. 

All that I know is I'm breathing now. 

I want to change the world...instead I sleep. 
I want to believe in more than you and me. 

But all that I know is I'm breathing. 
All I can do is keep breathing. 
All we can do is keep breathing now. 

All that I know is I'm breathing. 
All I can do is keep breathing. 
All we can do is keep breathing now. 

All we can do is keep breathing 
All we can do is keep breathing 
All we can do is keep breathing 
All we can do is keep breathing. 
All we can do is keep breathing... now.

***I have to repeat this to myself over and over again***

So many questions...

The only significant relationship I've ever had was a lie.  

It's unbelievable how painfully gut wrenching those 10 words can really be.  I can't describe the type of pain that comes with the knowledge that while I was planning a wedding and planning to move clear across the country with the man I loved, that same man had another girl on the other side - planning her future with him.  How in the world does that happen?  Who can possibly be evil enough to knowingly and willingly hurt two people?

I'm literally at a loss for the right words. 

Since I am a glass-half-full type of person... (or maybe just a 'half' person) I've spent some time thinking about the "silver lining" of this situation.  So, I guess the good part of this recent knowledge is that I was not the only one who was fooled.  It wasn't just me that loved a person that apparently did not exist.  The person I loved was kind, honest, and loving.  That person was a lie, that person was never there.  So, I guess it's good to know that it wasn't because I was was stupid or foolish - because he convinced everyone around him that he was someone else - everything about him was a facade.

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Today I received an email from my aunt.  She's notorious for sending cheesy forwards, but for some reason, today I decided to really read it.  This is what it said:

May today there be peace within. 

May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. 

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. 

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. 

May you be content. 

Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

The line that reads, "May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be" really stuck out to me.  I should have more faith in my decisions and not give up on an experience just because it's hard.  I need to remind myself of this notion more often.

I printed the email and hung it up on the bulletin board next to my desk.

Now, I just need to figure out the reasons for why my life is the way it is and why I've ended up in this place now.  Only time will tell...

Twitter

So, I've decided to jump on the bandwagon and set up a Twitter account.  So, if you're interested, you can follow what I'm doing all the time.  Not that I'll be updating every 5 min, but you know... 

I'm not sure how I feel about the whole "Twitter" phenomenon... on the one hand, it's kind of cool - having a way to update everyone about how you're feeling and such.  On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Sorry, had to do it.  The flip side is that the Twitter updates can get a little too personal if one becomes obsessed with updating.  Things like, "Feeling gassy", "My snot is yellow!", or "Ugh, can't find my vibrator!" might verge on the unnecessary side.  I promise, you wont see any of those things from me.

Okay, that's it from me now - want to know what I'm doing?  Have a look! -   

Rough times ahead??

Today I heard that Ogilvy will be laying off 10% of their employees in North America (mainly the NY office) by the end of the week.  While this is shocking and scary, I am trying very hard to look at the "bigger picture" and realize that if I lose my job, it's because I was not supposed to work for Ogilvy and God will provide for me what is best.

I'm trying this mindset of "meant to be" and letting things happen as they are supposed to.   It has definitely kept my stress level down, but it's making me a bit of a whiner.  We'll see how long that lasts. 

A new year

When I used to blog in Livejournal, I would always start the year with a "year in review" and predictions or resolutions for the new year.  While I do have some resolutions for the year, I'm not going to go month by month and reflect on the year as I normally would.  After all, when I think back on this year, the bad things outweigh the good - and no one wants to read a post all about sick family members or broken hearts.  I've never been very good about keeping resolutions - it's not that I consciously decide to not reach a goal, it's more that I forget I even made a resolution to begin with.  My last year's resolution?  Don't remember!  So this year, I'm planning to do my resolutions a little differently.

On New Years Eve, I sat on the floor and watched the countdown to the ball drop in Times Square.  I, however, was not in New York - I was happy being in Mebane for the new year.  As the year turned over, I felt a wave of relief rush over me.  For an instant, my head, heart, and soul were all calm and I felt a peacefulness overcome me.  2008 is over.  A year that was supposed to be one of the best in my life ended up torturing me in a way I had never imagined.  Now, there is a clean slate; I have crossed over to a new chapter in life.  I am in a new city and it's time for me to take advantage of everything New York has to offer me.  So now, my "resolutions"

Family life:

I'm experiencing a very difficult transition from being a dependent to being independent.  Part of me is excited about being independent and being in control of my own life.  Yet, it is not easy and I sometimes crave that freedom.  I don't mean "freedom" as in a 'I can do anything I want' way, but more of a 'freedom of mind' way.  

I am grateful that this year brought me much closer to my family.  Not just my immediate family, but my extended family as well. Throughout my emotional catastrophe, my family members were my saving grace (as they still are).   For the upcoming year, I want to be sure to keep up these relationships with my family members and cherish each and every one of them.  I also want to make sure they know how much they mean to me.  

In addition, I need to understand that independence doesn't come just from moving to a new place or getting your first job - that it's a process and a journey and it's okay to ask for help or receive help without asking for it.  There's nothing wrong with getting a little help.

Friends:

One of my biggest regrets of 2008 was neglecting my friends.  For some reason, I became very introverted this year and I avoided contact with others.  I regret not doing what it took to make a lot of friends in college. Though, the few friends I gained during my four years there, I love and appreciate.  I just wish I were better about keeping in touch.  I don't want to lose these friendships.

I've heard it is strange for this to happen, but over the past 4 years, I have kept and maintained relationships with good friends from high school.  I've heard that most of the time, the high school friends are replaced with the college ones and turn into 10th year reunion acquaintances.  I am very happy this is not the case with me.  

My resolution in this category is to maintain and foster relationships with these people because I wouldn't know if I could survive without them.  Also, I need to make new friends in this city - so I don't feel so alone all the time.

Relationships:

On New Years Eve, I had a dream.  It was the first time in a long time I actually had a dream that I remembered when I woke up.  In the dream, I was in a crowded room with Cole and Krystan (since I've never met her, I'm guessing it was her that was with Cole - though I can't be sure).  During the dream, I was being chastised and mocked by them.  They were telling me that I was stupid for being so blind to their relationship among other things.  After listening to their chides for a while, I had gotten very angry.  Then suddenly, I started to hit Cole.  As I laid into him, my arms turned to jelly as if the bones disappeared.  I struggled and flared about while everyone laughed.  Eventually, as tears were running down my face, I fell to the ground, defeated and ashamed.  

When I woke, I was furious.  I couldn't understand how I could have gone from such a calming and peaceful moment at New Years that left me feeling refreshed to this dream that brought be back down into an angry rut.  For the next day, I couldn't shake the anger - not just about the whole situation, but that I had allowed this to bubble up again.  Why now?  I had made good progress emotionally and I certainly don't have any feelings for him anymore.  Then, this morning, as I sat at the gate in the Raleigh airport, it suddenly hit me:  I knew what the dream symbolized.  I understand now that the fight I was having in the dream didn't represent a fight I had with Cole, but with myself.  Krystan and Cole were a representation of a part of my psyche - the side that continues to punish myself for what has happened.  This side of my brain and heart that beats me down to believe that I don't deserve to be happy or feel alive.  The other side, as represented by myself in the dream, continues to try and fight the unhappy, depressed, and lonely feelings, but most of the time, I feel like I'm fighting with wet noodles.  

I guess the lesson that comes from it is to understand that I have to stop chastising myself over what happened.  I need to realize that I couldn't have done anything differently to change the outcome.  It wouldn't have been easier for me if I had known that they had a relationship ongoing.  No matter how the relationship could have ended, it wouldn't have been easy for me or for anyone else.  

When it comes to future relationships, the thought of dating scares me to death.  I have never really dated before - you know, meet someone new, go on a date, etc.  Everyone I have ever been out with, I met in school.  So, having that as my past makes the thought of traditional dating terrifying.  Still, I am feeling this urgency to find someone new.  It's almost as if I need to find a replacement immediately and I feel a little defeated when I go to a party or an event and don't meet anyone new.  So, for the new year, I need to learn that it will take time before I'm ready to date and meet new people.  And, in that vein, I need to understand that if I don't impress those that I'm around, it's not because I am not worthy, it's because those people, ultimately, are not ones that I want to be around.  If people don't like me for who I am, they are not worth my time.

Professional:

While being a file-copying, highlighting, data-entry clerk isn't exactly how I envisioned my life after graduation, I know that this will not be my job forever, and in this terrible economy, I should appreciate the fact that I have a job at all.  Yes, I will still continue to apply to new jobs and hopefully this year will bring a rise in the economy and with it, new job opportunities to help start my career.  Professional goal for the year: find a new job that allows me to experience the industry for which I spent  years studying.  Also, to increase my salary in order to save a bit of money (or at least to be able to buy legitimate groceries) and to get some sort of health insurance.

Self:

Ultimately, all of these categories deal with an improvement of "self", but I think this category is most important.  And, in the past, it wasn't the most important for me.  So, my resolution for this category is to be more selfish.  I know that sounds terrible but hear me out.  Throughout my life, or at least the life I can remember up to, I have always been very concerned about what others wanted, or how my actions would affect those around me.  While I'm sure that quality is a wonderful one to possess, it has always taken first place in my priorities and most of the time, I put myself last.  Most of the time, it ends up that I get walked all over and people take advantage of me.  Now, I am making a conscious decision to put myself first; to make sure that I am taking care of myself before taking care of others.  This portion of my resolution encompasses all other parts I've listed above.  So, this year, I will be more selfish and love myself before loving others.  

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So there they are - my resolutions for the new year.  This year, unlike most others, I am very scared about the upcoming year.  For the first time, I can't envision what my life will be like in the future.  I mean, not even month to month.  So, I'm taking this year on faith.  Each day is a leap of faith and I have to trust that God will lead my life to the place I'm supposed to be.