Tuesday, January 13, 2009

So many questions...

The only significant relationship I've ever had was a lie.  

It's unbelievable how painfully gut wrenching those 10 words can really be.  I can't describe the type of pain that comes with the knowledge that while I was planning a wedding and planning to move clear across the country with the man I loved, that same man had another girl on the other side - planning her future with him.  How in the world does that happen?  Who can possibly be evil enough to knowingly and willingly hurt two people?

I'm literally at a loss for the right words. 

Since I am a glass-half-full type of person... (or maybe just a 'half' person) I've spent some time thinking about the "silver lining" of this situation.  So, I guess the good part of this recent knowledge is that I was not the only one who was fooled.  It wasn't just me that loved a person that apparently did not exist.  The person I loved was kind, honest, and loving.  That person was a lie, that person was never there.  So, I guess it's good to know that it wasn't because I was was stupid or foolish - because he convinced everyone around him that he was someone else - everything about him was a facade.

Today I received an email from my aunt.  She's notorious for sending cheesy forwards, but for some reason, today I decided to really read it.  This is what it said:

May today there be peace within. 
May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. 
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. 
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. 
May you be content. 
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

The line that reads, "May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be" really stuck out to me.  I should have more faith in my decisions and not give up on an experience just because it's hard.  I need to remind myself of this notion more often.

I printed the email and hung it up on the bulletin board next to my desk.

Now, I just need to figure out the reasons for why my life is the way it is and why I've ended up in this place now.  Only time will tell...

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